As a college graduate living at home with a semi-real job, I’m beginning to notice subtle lifestyle changes. They range from no longer waking up at 4pm to not even considering cocaine an option on a Tuesday afternoon. And while those may both be a good thing, I’m starting to see an underlying problem. I think I’m becoming my father. Though I don’t share the same gut that he has built up from 40 years of sitting behind a desk, I’ve realized I act way too similar to my dad. So, in an effort to help all of you guys avoid turning into your parents like a Progressive commercial, I have made a list of warning signs. Here are five signs that you are turning into your father.
Getting Way Too Excited About Bargains
Now that I barely get paid a salary and have to pay taxes, I’ve started to monitor my money a bit more. Due to my money saving and Jewishness, I have become fairly cheap. Not in a “I can’t afford to place that bet” kind of way, but more like “holy crap, mangoes are buy one get one free! Let’s get 30” type of thing. Turns out, I don’t really like mangoes, but it’s worth it because I know that I’m being fiscally responsible. My love of cheap things has amplified into a bigger problem, however. I have realized that by becoming excited by saving, I have also become extremely boring. The other day I got a steak bowl from Chipotle and they charged me for chicken. You would not believe the amount of people I figured I should share that with. It wasn’t until one of my friends pointed out I saved exactly $1 that I realized my new passion may be getting out of hand.
Telling Stories No One Else Cares About
You know when you tell a funny story, get to the end, and absolutely no one laughs? That’s been happening to me way too often recently. I’ve started telling stories about my college days just like how my dad tried to brag about being cool when I was kid. All of them start with “me and my boys Gator and Tito were at this party” and end with “it was hilarious, but I guess you had to be there.” Seriously though, I swear it was funny.
Only Drinking When It’s Worth It
In college, if you’re offered a beer, you take it. Why not, right? Well, nowadays I have started to only drink if I know we’re blacking out. Between calories and money, it’s just not worth it for me to drink a single beer or two. Now, 8 or 20 beers is a different story, but if I’m not at least getting a buzz there is just absolutely no chance I’m drinking.
Hating Technology
When the iPhone first came out my dad was all “are normal phones not good enough?” It made me furious at how incapable of change he was. Now, anytime someone brings up the Metaverse I wanna punch all their teeth out. I have finally gotten the hang of this society thing, let’s not switch it all up with these robot people and computers you wear on your face.
Judging Anyone Younger Than You
It doesn’t matter if they’re birthday is a week after yours, anyone who isn’t the same exact age or older than you “had it easy.” I can’t explain it, but you just won’t understand my struggles. Growing up when I grew up was tough, man. Not everything was “mentally healthy” or “body positive” like it is now. You’re just a college junior, though. You just wouldn’t get it.
