Mailman Dave
I’m 26, but I haven’t exactly been the healthiest. I am a professional at losing weight, and then becoming a fat ass. I’ve chewed for 12 years, and have drank my share of alcoholic beverages since I was about 16. Everyday when working I walk about 4 miles everyday, so even though my feet are only 26, working at the post office for 6 years has made my disgusting feet closer to that of a 60 year old. Being a fat ass puts a lot of pressure on your joints, so yeah my joints have had more pressure than joints rolled by Seth Rogan.
It’s the never ending winter here where I live, and the only fun thing to do is get hammered or go ice skating and play hockey. So last night my brother, my cousin, her boyfriend, and I all went to our local ice rink. We played a little hockey, and skated around for about 45 minutes, and then a bunch of kids showed up and we all played hockey together. Even though I’m slow I do have good hands so I scored a couple of goals, and everything was going great.
The puck got dumped into the end of the rink, and I skated down to grab it. I grabbed it and went to turn right, and that’s when everything went wrong. Me turning right is the oh no drop of that Tik Tok thread.
As soon as I turned my right knee dislocated and popped all the way to the right side of my leg. I screamed out in pain, and fell. While I was falling my knee popped back into place, and since I was in so much pain and was concreted more on my leg than bracing my fall. I smacked my head off of the ice, and somehow I didn’t knock myself out. There I was laying on my back screaming in pain, and was gushing blood from my head. The cut on my head could’ve been 10 inches long, but the pain in my knee was what I was concreted on. I sounded and looked like I was the girl in Exorcism as I screamed and growled.
911 had to be called, and I had to be carted off the ice. I had to ride in an ambulance, and sat in the ER for 3 hours. I had to get a CT scan for my head even though I passed a concussion test, but the gash on my head was big enough that they were concerned. My CT scan came back, and they asked if I was mentally challenged because my brain was so small. Thankfully that’s just a bad joke, and my CT scan was fine.
They had to do a shit ton of x rays, and they can’t do anything with my knee because of how swollen it is. So I have to wait a couple of weeks to see a knee specialist. Then before they sent me home the Dr came in with a staple gun that was the same that I used to put up plastic. The doctor asked me if 7 staples was good? I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about how am I supposed to know if 7 staples are good enough. I’m just a dumbass mailman who delivers people their boner pills. So 7 staples later they finally sent me home in a pair of paper pants since they had to cut my sweatpants off of me. So for the time being I’m just sitting on my ass all day watching tv, playing video games, and blogging. So expect a lot of blogs coming from your boy. If you’re squeamish I’m going to put the pictures at the end of this blog so here’s your warning.
