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10 Food Takes You Aren’t Ready To Hear

This one is gonna get people mad. Here are ten scorching hot food takes.

Avocados add nothing but mush

Someone tell me what an avocado tastes like. You can’t. It’s impossible. Avocados have absolutely no flavor. Look, I still eat avocados because they’re a “superfood” or some shit and they aren’t bad. Guacamole is obviously good, but that’s because of the seasonings, spices, and everything else that’s mixed in. When you add avocado to your burger all it adds is mush, no flavor. Avocados are just the opposite of lettuce, but I’d way rather add something crunchy than creamy.  And I hate lettuce.

Apples are a bottom-tier fruit

Don’t get me wrong, I love apple-flavored products. Pies, juices, candies — all of them are fantastic. Yet, the physical apple itself is unenjoyable to eat. The skin is just gross. It tastes bad and dries your entire mouth out. You could peel it, but that’s socially unacceptable as an adult. Or you could cut it into slices, but again, eating it as a you would an orange or mini watermelon just makes you look like a crazy person. If you can get over the skin, or manage to sneak an apple into a private space where you could eat it as you please, the inside is still not nearly as good as many other fruits. I could name at least ten fruits better than apples, but that’s a blog for another day.

The food in NY is mid

This one is gonna make the angriest people alive even more angry. In general, the food in New York is just as good as the rest of the United States. However, bagels and pizza are significantly better than the rest of the world. The reason for that though is because of the water. I don’t know the science behind it, but they have good water and water is important in bread making so thus good pizza and bagels. Other than that, the food is whatever. It’s not that it’s bad, but extremely overrated and overpriced. People will tell me all the time that New York has the best sushi, no they don’t. Maybe better than a land-locked state but it’s the same as every other state on the coast. Same goes for basically all other foods. Sure, you can get great food of all kinds in the city, but that’s just because it’s a massive city. You could say the same about most major cities. In general, the only things New York does better are pizza, bagels, and Jewish deli food.

Chinese food is better cold

This isn’t really as much of a take as a tip because I’m sure most of you have no idea what I’m talking about. Just hear me out, next time you have chinese leftovers, do not heat them up. Just eat it right out of the refrigerator. Trust me, it will become your favorite thing ever.

McDonalds does not have the best fast food breakfast

I love McDicks, but they are not even top two in the fast food breakfast game. Burger King beats them at their own game with the croissan’wich which blows any McDonalds breakfast sandwich out the water. Not even to mention the french toast sticks that hit harder than college Joe Mixon. Even Taco Bell has better breakfast. You would know that if you ever gave it a chance. The A.M Crunchwrap is probably the best fast food breakfast item out there and Cinnabon Delights are just absolutely divine. Plus, you can get all that with a Baja Blast. McDonald’s folded eggs are straight up nasty. The best thing is the hash browns, but they don’t even have them as part of all day breakfast. It’s poor business strategy, honestly.

Deep dish is not pizza

Look, I love deep dish. Whenever I go to Chicago (twice), I make sure to hit both Giordano’s and Lou Malnati’s. That being said, it’s not pizza. Deep dish is its own thing. Deep dish is more like a pizza-inspired cake than it is actual pizza. If you tell a person from New York that you enjoy deep dish, prepare to be screamed at. I’ve learned that they take that very personally. So my message to deep dish haters: you are right, it’s not pizza, but it’s still delicious.

Juice cleanses are a scam

Juice cleanses are just purchasable anorexia. You pay $200 to not eat for the week. If you pay me $200 I’ll come to your house and eat all your food so there’s none left for you, it’s the same thing.

Arby’s is a top 5 national fast food chain

When I say top 5 I’m speaking of only national chains that are all over the U.S. That means not taking into account In-N-Out or Cane’s or Culvers or any other regional chain. I know, even with that caveat this is still a crazy hot take, but the only reason you think that is because you haven’t been to Arby’s. People love to hate on Arby’s because it’s a roast beef-based establishment. Sure, that may be a little unordinary, but the rumor that the beef comes to the stores as powder has been proved to probably not be true. I mean, even if they aren’t real meats, the Beef N’ Cheddar still slaps. The curly fries are easily the best fries in the game. Arby’s Sauce and Horsey Sauce are gas. And the jamocha shake is quite possibly the most slept on dessert in the country. Don’t let the gyros distract you, Arby’s is the real deal.

Turkey bacon is not healthier than normal bacon

Turkey bacon is a myth. Unless you don’t eat pork, there is no reason to be eating turkey bacon. If you buy your bacon correctly (Oscar Meyer Center Cut Black Label), you would know that it is not only the same amount of calories as the average slice of turkey bacon, but also has more protein, less sodium, and less total fat. Yep, that’s right, you’ve been lied to your entire life.

Chipotle sucks

This is definitely the most controversial one yet. I used to like Chipotle. I think they make good food. However, it’s not worth eating there. Every time I go the employees are rude, lie about not having salad dressing, and skimp me on the meat. It’s a fucking ripoff. Chipotle was good pre-E.coli 2015, but has not been the same since. The meats are very high-quality and tasty, and of course the chips and guac are still great, but my bowl just never hits anymore. They’re always out of stuff after 7:30 p.m and treat you like it’s your fault just because you wanted more than a half scoop of rice. On the rare occasion that I do get a good bowlmaker who also has access to vinaigrette, I leave satisfied, but still angry I just dropped $25 to be on the toilet for the next eight hours. #MakeChipotleGreatAgain

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Written by Alex Becker

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