It’s probably the absolute worst thing that can happen in a guy’s life. Or a girl’s life. I’m not the type of guy to exclude women from the masturbation conversation. Anyway, I can honestly say that having to pause a movie because of sudden increased blood flow to the crotch is by far the most inconvenient thing that can happen to a person. It’s just a god damn shame when you have to take a fifteen to twenty (in my case five to ten) minute break to satisfy yourself so that you can go back to enjoying your film, and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. In order to spare some of you from this horrendous and traumatizing ordeal, I’ve come up with a list of ten movies that are almost guaranteed to force you to pause and spend some time alone if you don’t take the necessary steps beforehand.
10. A Simple Favor
This movie would be hard enough to get through without cranking your shank simply because you’re constantly watching Ana Kendrick and Blake Lively on screen, but to make matters more complicated, they make out during the movie. It’s truly a brilliant cinematic scene, but their passion is too much to leave your little guy alone after seeing it. Take care of business before watching.
9. Jennifer’s Body
Admittedly, I’ve never seen this movie. I honestly feel like I don’t need to, though, because I’ve seen the most important plot point several times: Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried play a little bit of tonsil hockey. So, if you do decide to sit down and watch this one, just make sure that you’ve already played some five on one.
8. The Notebook
This one I have seen, and guess what? I don’t regret it for a fucking second. Rachel McAdams is the sexiest woman alive in my personal opinion, so watching her get it on with Ryan Gosling in that movie was an immediate pause and pull your pole moment for me. To make matters worse, the movie is long enough that if you’re not careful you could end up pulling a double.
7. We’re the Millers
We’re the Millers is probably one of the most underrated comedies made after 2010, and if you haven’t seen it, it’s a must watch. Because it’s on this list, though, that also means it’s necessary to tame your tallywhacker before watching. Jennifer Aniston gets down to “Sweet Emotion” by Aerosmith wearing just a bra and panties, and I don’t think anyone needs more of an explanation.
I’d like to start by saying that this movie is a fucking ride, and it would be fantastic without the boobs. With that being said, Rosaria Dawson walking completely nude down a hallway to greet James McAvoy with her freshly shaved hoochie is enough to make anyone want to send things into manual override, and it gives the film a nice bonus.
5. Gone Girl
David Fincher is one of my favorite directors, and after watching this movie, he cemented himself as an all-time great for me. Not only is Rosamund Pike extremely hot, but the man got Emily Ratajkowski to flash her melons for us. You’ll undoubtedly want to make the bald man cry after seeing it, so make sure you take warmups seriously.
4. Wedding Crashers
Another Rachel McAdams gem, but this movie’s dangerous moment doesn’t have anything to do with her. Pretty early in the movie we get a montage of naked girls being thrown onto a bed, and there’s only so many boobs a guy can handle without having to spank his monkey. I never go into watching this movie with a full tank of gas, and neither should you.
3. American Pie
This movie is fantastic, but in my opinion it’s a tad overrated. What isn’t overrated, though, is Shannon Elizabeth giving us some full frontal. I mean, Jason Biggs’ character couldn’t be around her without creaming his jeans (twice, if I’m remembering correctly), so what makes you think you’d be able to get through that scene without playing the skin flute?
2. Animal House
This one has a special place in my heart because I think it was the first time that I ever really saw boobs in a movie. Belushi as Bluto climbing up a ladder to catch a glimpse of the naked pillow fight going on before watching a stunning blonde take off her bra and start to DJ her VJ is a no question: you’re going to end up doing the five-knuckle shuffle.
1. The Wolf of Wall Street
I doubt it’s a surprise that this is on here, and I hope to God that if you’ve had to deal with this horrible trial, it’s been because of this movie. Honestly, you’d be an idiot to not buff the Bishop before watching any movie with Margot Robbie in it, but this one has got to be the cake topper of all movie boobs. I really can’t say enough good things about them.
I’m sure I’ve missed a ton of movies on this list, and if you can think of one, feel free to drop it in the comments so that I can… research.