I don’t like dating apps. I have only used hinge. When I say “used”, I mean I online shopped for boys. Never made a purchase. Just shopped around. Once, I thought about meeting up with this one guy – he sent me a rose on hinge (the only form of flowers boys send girls anymore). I was interested. So, I looked him up on Instagram. Huge mistake! Realized immediately he was a douche canoe. Gym selfies on gym selfies. Since then, I have never used the app again. It’s not for me. However, my friends use the app and have great success. At the best, they meet a great guy or new friend. At the worst, they get a few free drinks and make an excuse to leave. I’m not hating on the app BUT the app could be way better. Hinge asks questions about your religious beliefs, political views, do you drink, smoke, do drugs, and what your favorite TV show is. They act like those are the important questions. However, I’ve compiled a list of more important questions.
1. What’s Your Credit Score?
People love to act like women are the only ones with spending problems. First off, that’s sexist. Second, yes I have a shopping addiction. I spend too much money at Urban Outfitters buying 39.99 graphic tees. Sue me. However, Boys also spend too much money and it’s on way more expensive shit. Yes, I bought new jeans I didn’t need. But you bought a Sonos, drinks for the guys, a PS5, the new iPhone, and Nikes. The ultimate test of self-control is the credit card. So enticing. So tempting. But if you can’t pay off your credit card on time, how can I trust you??
2. How Early Before A Flight Do You Get To The Airport?
Extremely important to me. I think, to some people, I come off as chill or easygoing. This is incorrect. I have to be at the airport an hour and a half before my plane boards. The anxiety of possibly missing a flight is just not worth it to me. If I have an early flight, I just won’t sleep. Thus, my partner needs to be just as insane or at least be willing to tolerate my anxiety. People who are late for flights stress out. I’m sorry, but it’s a no from me dawg.
3. Are You a Picky Eater?
There is nothing worse than dating someone who is a picky eater. Imagine going to dinner with your boyfriend and having to make sure the restaurant has chicken tenders or buttered noodles for him. If you guys get married, what are you going to serve at the wedding? Grilled cheese and fries?? Okay, actually that doesn’t sound too bad. But my point is, you’re craving ramen? Too bad we are going to Chili’s because they have the chicken tenders your man likes. You’re craving steak? Better be able to eat the one on the Chili’s menu! This pet peeve also applies to anyone on a fad diet like keto. Your man’s on keto? Say goodbye to eating pizza!
4. Do You Have Any Mental Illnesses?
Hear me out on this one. I’m not judging. I am mentally ill too. I can’t date someone who is struggling. I can’t!!! We both can’t be unstable. I already claim being the crazy one! Sorry!!
5. Do you follow Emrata on Instagram?
6. Will You Pay For My Uber?
Boys who pay for girls Ubers go to heaven. You don’t have to settle ladies. Make him pay.
7. Have You Ever Punched a Dry Wall?
This needs to be addressed immediately in a relationship. You do not want to be dating someone with an anger issue. More importantly, I cannot have anyone punch a hole in my apartment. I need my security deposit back.
8. Do You Play Video Games?
I am not going to judge the occasional Madden or 2k game. I play Fortnite and 2k from time to time. But if you play video games daily, you are not the man for me. Not trying to judge here. But I will not waste any more of my precious time on earth sitting on a couch watching some guy, who doesn’t know who Carl Jung is, defeat some level in career mode. Not everyone who plays video games is a piece of shit. Some people even make money from it! But if you’re going to play video games while a hot girl is over, at least make it two-player. There is a difference between a cute date where you play Mario Cart and your girl texting her friends how bored she is while you play Skyrim. No hot, confident girl has time for that shit. This trend of girlfriends sitting around while their boyfriends play video games is so lame. Grow up. Go to a bar. Buy her a vodka soda and mozzarella sticks like a gentleman.
9. Spotify or Apple Music?
I want to send you music. How can I send songs that describe our love if I send you a Spotify link and you use Apple Music?
10. Can I Pop Your Pimples?
The best part about dating someone is popping their pimples. Boys’ skincare is rough. They use Shampoo that doubles as a conditioner, face wash, toner, moisturizer, and body wash. I know those pores are clogged baby. Lucky for you, I love to pop pimples. Let me put a Biore strip on that bad boy and see what happens.
There are so many questions to ask. Like, do you have any DUIs? Cats or dogs? Did your mom baby you? Do you feel the need to mansplain? Do you own skinny jeans? Do you have navy bath towels? However, these are the ones I care about the most personally. I just wish dating apps weren’t so white-washed. Politics, religion, and your favorite sitcom are important. However, they do not make up a person. People are way more complex. Hinge is great, but I don’t think four selfies and you liking Friends over The Office is going to convince me we should have dinner. Especially since Friends isn’t funny.