10 Things Better Than Sex

Having Your Hair Played With

There’s just something about it. I don’t know what it is, and I’m too fucking lazy to actually think about it in a way that makes sense. But when a girl plays with your hair, it is just fucking unreal. 

Good Food

If you had to give up food or sex, what would you do? Don’t kid yourself. You’d give up sex. I would too. That’s because the first bite of a good meal will hit exponentially better that any time you’ll have sex.

Porn

Porn is always there for you. Always. Sex is barely there for you.

Beer

Same argument as good food, except that beer makes you drunk which is absolutely awesome.

A Good Fart

This is the one when you’ve been holding one in for three hours while on a date with a girl. Once she’s out of ear shot, you let out what feels like enough air to propel a hot air balloon. 

Funny Stuff

Ever been unable to breathe because of laughing? Yeah, I’ll take that over sex any single day of the week. 

Getting a Good Night’s Sleep

I’d truly rather wake up and feel fully rested to have a productive day than have sex. It happens so rarely to me (possibly even more rarely than sex), but god damn I love it.

Beating Your Friend in Madden

Nothing shows just how big of a pussy someone is like losing in Madden. They’ll do anything to explain why the lost happened, but in everything that they’re saying it’s just so ridiculously obvious that they are far inferior to you. When has sex ever let me dominate one of my friends? Maybe three times. I can do that in Madden any time I play my roommate Shane because he sucks.

Not Sinning by Having Premarital Sex

Shoutout to all the by-choice virgins out there. Way to stick to your guns.

Nothing

I lied throughout this entire blog. Nothing is better than sex. Nothing at all. And if you agreed with a single one of these, you’re dead wrong, so stop lying to yourself.