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10 Things I Don’t Understand

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times: I’m not the brightest tool in the shed. So, I decided to make a list of all the things I just simply don’t understand. Quick disclaimer: this list doesn’t include things that are unexplainable such as magic, religion, and whatever a 401k is.

Batteries

Just like how America runs on Dunkin, the world runs on batteries. Everything important is reliant on batteries and yet I have no idea how they work. In elementary I learned that a potato could be one, but that’s about it. I’ve also chewed on one enough to know that although the outside tastes like Dasani water, the inside has an extremely bitter acid flavor. I’m pretty confident batteries contain acid, but that doesn’t help clear anything up in the slightest. What is this acid and how does it make my TV remote work?  

Construction

Everyone acts like construction is a job for high-school dropouts, but I could never be a construction worker. Aside from lacking the clear physical attributes necessary, I genuinely don’t understand how things are built. I’m pretty sure most things aren’t built out of brick anymore, but I don’t understand how else it could be built. They could use cement but the only way I could think of that working is to create bricks made of cement, which are really the same thing. Yeah, wait a second, what the fuck are bricks made out of? Also, what is dry wall? I don’t like the idea of walls being made of dry wall. That’s like when you look up a word and the word is in the definition.

Buses

Okay, full disclosure this is not my original thought. I saw this on a meme page in 10th grade and it sometimes still keeps me awake at night. Someone please explain how a bus can fit four people seated comfortably across plus have an aisle, while a car that barely squeezes three in the backseat fits in the same lane.

Milking

Last time I checked the Bible it said you need nipples to produce milk. Please direct me to the nipples on a cashew.

Coding

Here’s my problem with coding: whenever I ask people about it they always tell me that they are communicating with the computer in code language. First off, how did we teach something that we invented to speak a language? Wouldn’t we need to speak to it for it to learn this? Also, if you’re going to teach a machine a language why wasn’t it english? You can’t tell me the computer just inherently knew 0s and 1s as a language. There is no way that computers can read a book of punctuation and create MLB: The Show.

Eggs

It’s my understanding that eggs are baby chickens that didn’t develop. At least that’s why I figured the yolk was yellow. But then why would eggs from other birds also have yellow yolks such as ostriches or quails? So that makes me think that the eggs we eat are never actually chickens at all. But if that’s true, then how do you know if an egg is for eating or if there is a chicken in it? That’s why I figured all eggs are undeveloped fetuses, but if that’s the case then vegetarians shouldn’t be able to eat eggs. I’m confused.

Crypto

So you mine for this? Okay, sure that makes perfect sense. Quick question: who hid it? Why did they hide it? And how do you even go about finding it? Don’t you fucking dare say coding.

World Hunger

I am positive there is enough food on the planet to feed everyone. Maybe not meat, but there are more than enough Fig Newtons to go around. I think as a society America should sacrifice all of our newtons, Belvita Breakfast Biscuits, and baked beans that aren’t Bush’s to hungry countries (not to be confused with Hungary, they have an ample amount of food). People always say that the reason for world hunger is because of distribution issues. Here’s my issue with that statement. If it’s an issue of shipping the food to the destination, I’m utterly confused. Just pack a few commercial jets with peanuts instead of passengers, bang problem solved. If it’s a matter of locating the starving people, here’s my question: how do you know they’re hungry if you don’t know where they are? If you know they don’t have access to food then that means you need to know their general location. It seems this isn’t a problem due to lack of food, money, or logistics, just simple effort. Shame on you, UNICEF.

Cotton Gin

Do you know how the fuck the cotton gin works? That’s what I thought.

CeeLo Green

Where the fuck did CeeLo Green go? This man dropped one of the biggest bangers in the history of music, became a judge on The Voice, and then just vanished. Someone please let me know if he is doing okay as well as where I can find the legendary Ayo & Teo.

What do you think?

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Written by Alex Becker

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