In today’s world, there’s no denying that sex sells. As a result of sites like OnlyFans, physically attractive women and men (pause) are able to reap immense profits from their God-given talents. However, even if I was able to make millions of dollars through OnlyFans (which is a very big if), I’m pretty confident that I would choose a handful of other careers before I went down that route. In fact, here are 100 jobs that I would choose over starting an OnlyFans:
- Bar Mitzvah DJ
- Teacher
- Veterinarian
- Nurse
- Police Officer
- Construction Worker
- NBA Referree
- Plumber
- Ice Cream Truck Driver
- Firefighter
- Personal Trainer
- Yoga Instructor
- Graphic Designer
- Fraternity Chapter Advisor
- Grocery Store Bagger
- Doctor
- Cartel Boss
- Movie Director
- Investment Banker (or whatever the hell Jordan Belfort did)
- Overseas Call Center Employee
- Window Washer
- Electrician
- Landscaper
- Personal Chef
- Blogger for Total Frat Move
- “Benny the Bull” Mascot
- Professional Golf Caddy
- Competitive Eater
- Movie Critic
- Food Critic
- P*rn Critic
- Twitch Streamer
- Professional Hitman
- Bartender
- Club Bouncer
- Zoë Kravitz’s Body Guard (my legitimate dream job)
- Country Singer
- Stand-Up Comedian
- Stunt Double
- Theme Park Character (preferably Mickey Mouse)
- Roller Coaster Designer
- Water Slide Designer
- Olympic Diver (it can’t be that hard, right?)
- High School Basketball Coach
- High School History Teacher (I’m not sure this even qualifies as a job)
- Babysitter
- ACT/SAT Tutor
- Motivational Speaker
- Medication Distributor (drug dealer)
- Cannabis Farmer
- Pumpkin Farmer
- Panera Bread Manager
- Voice Actor
- President of the United States of America
- Chairman of the Federal Reserve
- Pizza Delivery Guy
- College Admissions Officer
- TikTok Influencer
- Massage Therapist
- Physical Therapist
- Lava Lamp Welder
- Garage Door Salesman
- Financial Advisor
- Brain Surgeon
- Cardiologist
- Computer Scientist
- Aerospace Engineer
- CEO of Subway
- Jersey Mikes Employee
- Gynecologist (not in a creepy way)
- Sports Journalist
- Talk Show Host (preferably First Take)
- Dentist
- Orthodontist
- Garbage Truck Driver
- Mailman
- Dog Trainer
- Youth Soccer Coach
- FBI Interrogator
- Fashion Model
- Toyota Test Driver
- Professional Formula One Driver
- Producer for the Netflix Original Outer Banks
- Sports Agent
- Gym Receptionist
- Elementary School Janitor
- Prison Warden
- Animal Barber
- Whatever Dave Portnoy does at Barstool
- The Other End of a Glory Hole
- TSA Agent
- Spirit Airlines Pilot
- Middle School Librarian
- Children’s Book Author
- Hentai Animator
- Camp Counselor
- Fantasy Football Analyst
- Plastic Surgeon (but only BBLs)
- Apple Store Employee
- Mukbang YouTuber
As you can see, there are plenty of other viable career options that don’t involve exposing yourself to the world and disappointing your parents. Some might be more lucrative than others, but I’m sure you’ll find what makes you truly happy. Zoë Kravtiz’s bodyguard is at the top of my list, but I could settle for Panera Bread manager as well.
