100 Jobs I Would Choose Over Starting an OnlyFans

Photo Credit: Internet Matters

In today’s world, there’s no denying that sex sells. As a result of sites like OnlyFans, physically attractive women and men (pause) are able to reap immense profits from their God-given talents. However, even if I was able to make millions of dollars through OnlyFans (which is a very big if), I’m pretty confident that I would choose a handful of other careers before I went down that route. In fact, here are 100 jobs that I would choose over starting an OnlyFans:

  1. Bar Mitzvah DJ
  2. Teacher
  3. Veterinarian 
  4. Nurse
  5. Police Officer
  6. Construction Worker
  7. NBA Referree
  8. Plumber
  9. Ice Cream Truck Driver
  10. Firefighter
  11. Personal Trainer
  12. Yoga Instructor 
  13. Graphic Designer
  14. Fraternity Chapter Advisor
  15. Grocery Store Bagger
  16. Doctor
  17. Cartel Boss
  18. Movie Director 
  19. Investment Banker (or whatever the hell Jordan Belfort did)
  20. Overseas Call Center Employee
  21. Window Washer
  22. Electrician
  23. Landscaper
  24. Personal Chef
  25. Blogger for Total Frat Move
  26. “Benny the Bull” Mascot
  27. Professional Golf Caddy
  28. Competitive Eater
  29. Movie Critic 
  30. Food Critic
  31. P*rn Critic
  32. Twitch Streamer
  33. Professional Hitman
  34. Bartender
  35. Club Bouncer
  36. Zoë Kravitz’s Body Guard (my legitimate dream job)
  37. Country Singer
  38. Stand-Up Comedian
  39. Stunt Double
  40. Theme Park Character (preferably Mickey Mouse)
  41. Roller Coaster Designer
  42. Water Slide Designer
  43. Olympic Diver (it can’t be that hard, right?)
  44. High School Basketball Coach
  45. High School History Teacher (I’m not sure this even qualifies as a job)
  46. Babysitter
  47. ACT/SAT Tutor
  48. Motivational Speaker
  49. Medication Distributor (drug dealer)
  50. Cannabis Farmer
  51. Pumpkin Farmer
  52. Panera Bread Manager
  53. Voice Actor 
  54. President of the United States of America
  55. Chairman of the Federal Reserve
  56. Pizza Delivery Guy
  57. College Admissions Officer
  58. TikTok Influencer
  59. Massage Therapist
  60. Physical Therapist
  61. Lava Lamp Welder
  62. Garage Door Salesman
  63. Financial Advisor 
  64. Brain Surgeon 
  65. Cardiologist
  66. Computer Scientist
  67. Aerospace Engineer
  68. CEO of Subway
  69. Jersey Mikes Employee
  70. Gynecologist (not in a creepy way)
  71. Sports Journalist
  72. Talk Show Host (preferably First Take)
  73. Dentist
  74. Orthodontist
  75. Garbage Truck Driver
  76. Mailman
  77. Dog Trainer
  78. Youth Soccer Coach
  79. FBI Interrogator 
  80. Fashion Model
  81. Toyota Test Driver
  82. Professional Formula One Driver
  83. Producer for the Netflix Original Outer Banks
  84. Sports Agent
  85. Gym Receptionist
  86. Elementary School Janitor
  87. Prison Warden
  88. Animal Barber
  89. Whatever Dave Portnoy does at Barstool
  90. The Other End of a Glory Hole
  91. TSA Agent
  92. Spirit Airlines Pilot
  93. Middle School Librarian
  94. Children’s Book Author
  95. Hentai Animator
  96. Camp Counselor 
  97. Fantasy Football Analyst
  98. Plastic Surgeon (but only BBLs)
  99. Apple Store Employee
  100. Mukbang YouTuber

As you can see, there are plenty of other viable career options that don’t involve exposing yourself to the world and disappointing your parents. Some might be more lucrative than others, but I’m sure you’ll find what makes you truly happy. Zoë Kravtiz’s bodyguard is at the top of my list, but I could settle for Panera Bread manager as well.

Written by the godfather

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