I’m no man of faith, but I believe there’s something greater than us out there. It has nothing to do with heaven or hell or any of that nonsense. It has everything to do with the following:
1. Breasts
2. NFL Football
3. Beer
4. Sex
5. RedZone
6. Orgasms
7. Moneyball starring Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill
8. MLB Opening Day
9. Cheeseburgers
10. “Cheeseburger in Paradise” by Jimmy Buffet
11. Bacon Cheeseburgers
12. Bacon
13. Bacon wrapped foods
14. Bacon on any kind of sandwich
15. Sandwiches
16. Wraps
17. Hot Dogs
18. Most food served in or between bread
19. Internet Porn
20. Free Internet Porn
21. Oculus VR
22. Porn Made to Watch on an Oculus VR
23. Free Porn Made to Watch on an Oculus VR
24. Female Butts
25. The Air Fryer
26. The Ability to Deep Fry Food
27. Deep Fried Food
28. Streaming Services
29. People that let you use their streaming services without charging you
30. Blowjobs
31. Golf
32. Video Games
33. Playoff Baseball
34. Baseball
35. Spotify
36. Parents that pay for Spotify
37. Diner food
38. Diners
39. Milk shakes
40. Ice Cream
41. Frozen Yogurt
42. The NBA
43. Stand-up Comedy
44. Central Air Conditioning
45. Masturbation
46. Dogs
47. The Sopranos
48. Wedding Receptions
49. Open Bars
50. Wedding Receptions with Open Bars
51. Gambling
52. Sports Betting
53. The City of Las Vegas
54. Thanksgiving
55. Morning Poops
56. Movies
57. Television shows
58. The scene from We’re The Millers where Jennifer Aniston does that sexy dance in her underwear
59. Sleep
60. Bruce Springsteen
61. Dollar Dog Nights
62. One-Wipe Poops
63. Tailgating
64. Concerts
65. Flat Screen TVs
66. Venmo
67. The Refrigerator
68. Ice Makers
69. The Sex Position “69”
70. The word “foliage”
71. iPhones
72. YouTube
73. Uber
74. Bluetooth headphones
75. Guitars
76. The Electric Guitar
77. The electric guitar solo in “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
78. “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
79. Lynyrd Skynyrd
80. The drum solo from “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins
81. Phil Collins’ creation of the Tarzan soundtrack
82. Swords
83. All you can eat buffets
84. “That’s what she said”
85. The Microwave
87. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition I Got to Look at in 5th Grade
88. College Football
89. People with silly last names (Wang, Butts, Johnson, Beavers)
90. Two-ply toilet paper
91. Nick Castellanos hitting a homerun during Thom Brennaman’s apology for using an anti-gay slur
92. Cheese
93. Melted cheese
94. Cheese sauce
95. Pocket knives
96. Music
97. The male middle school lunch table
98. Bench clearing brawls
99. Day drinking
100. Me. I often feel as though I am God’s gift to the human race.
So, yeah. Explain that, atheists.
