Alex Becker
Men are liars. It’s just in our blood. But to the half-dozen women reading this, please know that we don’t lie to you on purpose. Well, sometimes we do, but we also lie to ourselves. It’s an inherent part of having a penis. We convince both ourselves and the people around us of things that aren’t remotely true. Why do we do it? Partly because we want things to be true so badly we end up believing them ourselves no matter how far-fetched they truly are, and also because sometimes we want to seem cool to get you into bed. Regardless of the reason, lying is just part of being a dude. Here are six lies every guy tells themselves.
“I could play in the WNBA”
This will by far be the most feminist thing I ever write or say in my life, but unless you’ve played college ball there is no chance in hell you could compete in the WNBA. Every dude sitting on a couch with his buddies feels the need to shit on women’s basketball and contest that he could be a star in the WNBA. Not only would that same dude not be a star, I don’t even know if he would score, let alone play defense. The average WNBA player is 6-foot. Less than 15% of men in the US are above 6-foot (yes, ladies all those guys are lying on Tinder). Mix that with actually understanding basketball, consistent shooting, footwork, conditioning, and playing defense, and the majority of men don’t stand a chance. Yes, relative to the NBA the WNBA is far less superior in terms of talent, points scored, and overall excitement. However, that does not mean that Dan the 5 ‘8’’ 26-year-old accountant from Staunton, Virginia can keep up, no matter how much he calls himself a “three-point assassin.” Stick to putting up four points in pick-up at LA Fitness and shut up. Brittney Griner could smoke you out and still mow you down like Jim Boeheim on a highway.
“I’m funny enough to start my own podcast”
No, no you are not. I know you and your boys crack each other up over degrading women and telling absurdly racist jokes, but you aren’t special — all guys do that. No one in their right mind wants to hear you and your friend group of three with a combined body count of 4 discuss what foods you like, why women don’t give you a fair chance, and how smart you are for selling Dogecoin at its “peak.” At some point in time, every guy has had the same exact thought: “podcasts are just hanging out, me and my bros hang out fucking hard, dude.” Not only is discussing how many toddlers you can fight not “hard,” it’s truly just uncreative. Every dude thinks they have original, eye-opening thoughts, but most of our grand ideas were posted to meme pages on iFunny decades ago.
“That girl wants me”
If a guy makes eye contact with a random girl in public, our immediate thought is “damn, I must look good today.” If a woman accidentally brushes up against us on the subway, we take that as a sign that she wants to get in our pants. It’s how we function. Women usually pay us little to no attention, so even a morsel of contact with one is enough to make us feel mighty and confident. Even if she is staring at you for that unfortunately placed ketchup stain on your pants.
“I’m not drunk”
A man goes from “I guess I’m buzzing” to “dude, I’m blacked” in a matter of seconds. We skip over the “I’m drunk” phase completely. That is not because we are incapable of getting ourselves to a perfect amount of drunkenness, but because we believe it doesn’t exist. There is no stopping once a man begins to drink. Sometimes the night’s festivities end before you become a complete menace, but never does a man think “maybe I should cut myself off.” That is because we lie to ourselves and think that our tolerance is about 2-3 shots more than it truly is. We don’t think of our tolerance and add two shots to that number to lie and seem cool though, we just instinctively add those extras on our own. I can’t tell you why or how that works, but it does and even writing this, proving to myself that I know this happens, I still won’t be able to stop it. It’s just part of life as a dude.
“This is a lock”
All dudes think they are good bettors and if you tell one of them they aren’t you should expect a full-on screaming match to ensue. Even for the worst of gamblers, we all have our “locks.” Here’s the thing with locks, they never are. No matter our confidence or how “due” we are, all men’s locks will inevitably fail. You may hit one or two, but it is likely you have a new one everyday. And trust me buddy, you are not Rain Man.
“I know how to please a woman”
Sure, you do. Except for the fact that’s impossible. Everyone knows women don’t like sex. I bet next you’re gonna tell me you found the mythical clitoris too. Liar.
