the godfather
After finishing my freshman year of college, I feel like I’m slowly inching toward complete adulthood. While I’m still not entirely sure how taxes work, I’m a lot more independent than I was just a year ago. When I was in high school, I often would make fun of the “white suburban dad” parents that I would see at basketball tournaments or football games. I always swore to myself that I would never wear vests in public or talk way too loud on the phone in public areas like these “white dads” did but, with age, I’m slowly beginning to understand their way of life. As I’ve come to accept my inevitable fate as a future member of the CFS (caucasian father society), I’ve found three telltale signs that you’re entering the “white dad” stage of your life:
Subconsciously Standing in the “Dad Stance”
If you’ve been to literally any youth sporting event in your life, you know exactly what stance I’m referring to here. The classic widespread legs and crossed arms are a staple for way-too-intense lacrosse dads across the nation, and even though it’s easy to clown, I have to admit that it’s an incredibly comfortable way to stand. If you find yourself subconsciously standing in this stance, you’ve already lost the battle. Give into the ways of the “white dad” and rock that stance at every social gathering possible. Your knees will thank you for the solid support once you enter the “I can’t wipe myself” stage of your life.
Change in Music Taste
Throughout high school, I strictly listened to hip-hop music. I might’ve listened to some R&B here and there, but there was no chance you could get me to willingly play country music on aux in the car. But, once I finished my senior year, it occurred to me on the golf course one day that I am extremely white and should probably branch out in terms of music taste. Don’t get me wrong, I still listen to Drake to get hyped up before every intramural basketball game, but I’ve slowly transitioned into much more of a country guy within the past year. While I’m not saying that white males who have children can’t listen to both hip-hop and country, I will admit that I’ve realized how little my life actually relates to lyrics in rap music. I personally have never killed anyone for a teardrop tattoo but I have drank beer and driven a truck before (not at the same time, of course). Once you become aware of how music relates to your actual life, you’re definitely entering your “white dad” era.
Reading Nutrition Labels
Since I was always involved in some sport throughout high school, I never would read nutrition labels. The number of calories I burnt off during every basketball practice would compensate for the massive Portillo’s double bacon cheeseburger I ate multiple times a week, so I didn’t really need to worry about any of that stuff. That is, until I stopped doing intense cardio every day and realized how metabolism works as you get older. Every time I catch myself making a comment about “grams of fat” or “sodium levels” when I’m scavenging through my pantry, I accept that I am slowly losing my “eating youth” and entering the “white dad” stage of my life when it comes to food. While by no means do I consider myself to be overweight, I am now way too aware of nutrition content and I hate myself for it.
