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3 Surefire Ways to Ruin a Family Vacation

If you’re like me and not completely trapped in corporate America just yet, then you’ll probably have a vacation or two with your family this summer. While these vacations can be fun, I’d advise against building up high expectations of hooking up with girls and getting blackout drunk like you would on spring break. Regardless of the location, a family trip will always have the potential to go terribly wrong, usually dependent on the way you behave yourself. With that being said, here are three surefire ways to ruin a family vacation that I’ve witnessed firsthand:

Become Deathly Ill

I guess this one isn’t really in anyone’s control, however, it still will destroy an entire vacation every time it happens. Not only is the sick person barely holding on to their will to live, but the rest of the people taking care of said sick person lose any chance at having fun during the trip. Trying to find medicine on some foreign island is difficult enough, let alone trying to figure out something fun to do while quarantined in your hotel room besides masturbating. All the money you were planning to spend on exotic drinks (and maybe even an escort or two) will now be solely used for room service and movie rentals – but at least your resort is nice! When someone becomes deathly ill on vacation, it’s not uncommon for the entire family to want to leave early. I mean, why spend thousands of dollars on a vacation that isn’t any different than being home?

Get a DUI

The last thing anyone wants to do on a relaxing vacation is have to bail someone out of jail. While a DUI might not ruin a family vacation like a double homicide would, it’s still not a great look. After a long day drinking at the beach, you’ll likely run out of beverages by dusk, which means someone has to make a trip to the nearest convenience store. Usually the “least drunk” person will go on the beer run, but that excuse usually won’t fly with the cops when you take out three mailboxes on the way to the store. If you’re in a foreign country, a couple hundred bucks might be enough to bribe the cops to let you go, but if you get caught drunk driving in the middle of Wisconsin you’re definitely going to spend the night in jail. Just make sure to read the situation the next time you start to think “3 miles isn’t that far”. 

Lose a Child

If you happen to be on vacation with younger cousins, your family might pawn them off on you for a night so they can enjoy a nice dinner and escape the realities of their middle-class lives. Although you might be inclined to neglect your responsibilities and get way too hammered while watching La La Land, I advise you to do everything in your power to not lose track of one of the children you’re supposed to be babysitting. Babysitting always seems like an easy task on paper until you find yourself chasing a six-year-old around a hotel lobby for twenty minutes. Sure, you could just let them do whatever they want until the adults return (after all you’re not getting paid). But, losing a child might not be the greatest thing to have on your track record when you blow your entire grocery budget on week one NFL parlays and you have to ask your parents for more money. Also, if you never find the kid again that would suck pretty bad too. 

If you can somehow find a way to avoid all three of these vacation-ruiners, you should be in the clear for a solid family trip filled with fun memories. Of course, you could also get kidnapped, mugged, or lose your passport and have to start a new life in the Dominican Republic, but what are the odds those things will actually happen to you?

Written by the godfather

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