Unlike most, if not all of you philistines, I go to DeVry University. This means that I am going to earn more money than you in my lifetime. I’m not lying — just look at the statistics. A DeVry graduate earns, on average, $700 million more than a Harvard graduate by the time he turns twenty-four. Granted, these figures were formulated by DeVry University’s mathematics department, which is admittedly not our strongest area (our lone math professor is a squirrel who wandered into the server room and was so cute that Terrence the IT guy didn’t have the heart to shoo him away), but I’m sure there is at least a little truth to them.
Anyway, as somebody who is going to have a lot of money in the future, I naturally am spending a metric fuck-ton of money on incredibly unnecessary things now, because 1) it impresses everyone around me and 2) I am going to earn it back and then some right when I graduate. Because I spend so much money, I oftentimes owe people money, so I use the app Venmo to pay them back. If you are unfamiliar with Venmo (read: poor) it’s a money-paying app used by a lot of drug dealers college students. What’s my favorite thing about Venmo? The memo section. By now, we all know that Venmo has a feature where, when you pay somebody back, you can include your (completely made up) reason for giving him or her the money, which is then shared with both of your Venmo connections. Outlandish and ridiculous Venmo memos are a great way to embarrass your friends, especially if you’re mad about having to give them money (read: really poor) and want to fuck with them.
Here are 31 Venmo memos — some tried and true, some new to the game — that you can use to make your friends laugh and/or hate you.
- Shaving my ballfro
- Hula hoop contest runner-up
- Relationship advice
- I shouldn’t have doubted you when you said you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose
- Kissing lessons
- Child support
- Abortion down payment
- Letting me use your microwave ($1.50/min)
- Because you’re poor
- Licked gum off of the bottom of the bar
- Bag of human eyeballs
- Naked pictures of your mother
- Naked pictures of your sister
- Naked pictures of your grandma
- Rewinding my VHS tapes by hand
- B-hole waxing
- Thanks for last night
- Licking that Band-Aid I found in the pool
- Enema
- Ishtar on Blu-ray
- Setting your web browser homepage to “meatspin.com” for one month
- Hand-feeding me applesauce with a fork
- Using a neti pot to butt chug a Bacardi Breezer
- Eating my ass even after I ate hot wings
- Off-brand ShamWow
- Letting me use your Netflix account without your knowledge
- Farting the tune to “Uptown Funk”
- Baking the perfect quiche <3
- Giving me a shoulder to cry on (I think it was your across-the-hall neighbor’s)
- Pooter lube
- A lock of your gooch hair.
