31 Hilarious Venmo Memo Ideas

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Unlike most, if not all of you philistines, I go to DeVry University. This means that I am going to earn more money than you in my lifetime. I’m not lying — just look at the statistics. A DeVry graduate earns, on average, $700 million more than a Harvard graduate by the time he turns twenty-four. Granted, these figures were formulated by DeVry University’s mathematics department, which is admittedly not our strongest area (our lone math professor is a squirrel who wandered into the server room and was so cute that Terrence the IT guy didn’t have the heart to shoo him away), but I’m sure there is at least a little truth to them.

Anyway, as somebody who is going to have a lot of money in the future, I naturally am spending a metric fuck-ton of money on incredibly unnecessary things now, because 1) it impresses everyone around me and 2) I am going to earn it back and then some right when I graduate. Because I spend so much money, I oftentimes owe people money, so I use the app Venmo to pay them back. If you are unfamiliar with Venmo (read: poor) it’s a money-paying app used by a lot of drug dealers college students. What’s my favorite thing about Venmo? The memo section. By now, we all know that Venmo has a feature where, when you pay somebody back, you can include your (completely made up) reason for giving him or her the money, which is then shared with both of your Venmo connections. Outlandish and ridiculous Venmo memos are a great way to embarrass your friends, especially if you’re mad about having to give them money (read: really poor) and want to fuck with them.

Here are 31 Venmo memos — some tried and true, some new to the game — that you can use to make your friends laugh and/or hate you.

  1. Shaving my ballfro
  2. Hula hoop contest runner-up
  3. Relationship advice
  4. I shouldn’t have doubted you when you said you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose
  5. Kissing lessons
  6. Child support
  7. Abortion down payment
  8. Letting me use your microwave ($1.50/min)
  9. Because you’re poor
  10. Licked gum off of the bottom of the bar
  11. Bag of human eyeballs
  12. Naked pictures of your mother
  13. Naked pictures of your sister
  14. Naked pictures of your grandma
  15. Rewinding my VHS tapes by hand
  16. B-hole waxing
  17. Thanks for last night 😉
  18. Licking that Band-Aid I found in the pool
  19. Enema
  20. Ishtar on Blu-ray
  21. Setting your web browser homepage to “meatspin.com” for one month
  22. Hand-feeding me applesauce with a fork
  23. Using a neti pot to butt chug a Bacardi Breezer
  24. Eating my ass even after I ate hot wings
  25. Off-brand ShamWow
  26. Letting me use your Netflix account without your knowledge
  27. Farting the tune to “Uptown Funk”
  28. Baking the perfect quiche <3
  29. Giving me a shoulder to cry on (I think it was your across-the-hall neighbor’s)
  30. Pooter lube
  31. A lock of your gooch hair.

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