4 of My Least Favorite Types of People

The Stingy Venmoer

A text conversation with this person will look something like this:

“Hey man, can you venmo me $10 for the pizza from last night?”

“I thought it came out to $8.90 per person?”

“Yeah, but there was a charge for the online order, which added like 80 cents for each person.”

You will then receive the following notification: Dickbag paid you $9.70 – “pizza”

I honestly think that I’d rather not get the venmo. Having to deal with people who are going to go down to fucking cent values to make sure they don’t overpay is what I’d imagine a needle in the urethra feels like.

The Bubble Invader

This person is the one who hops on the couch next to you when there’s seven open seats in the room. They talk directly into your ear for twenty minutes at a time and you can feel the couch shift when they fart. I’m not saying I mind being touched, but this person is almost always on the fringe of the group that you’re hanging out with. Because of that, you’re usually safe to tell them to fuck right off without having to endure many consequences, but if they are somehow deeper in, you’re pretty much screwed. Just try and stay away.

The Religious

Having a religion and believing in it is great. Power to you if you’re really dedicated. But Jesus fuck. When you get people that feel the need to tell you about the healing power of Christ while you’re focused on explaining the story of Jonah Hill taking the minimum salary just so that he could work with Scorsese in The Wolf of Wallstreet to the girl who is only feigning interest in you because the three dudes she was hitting on earlier in the night already left, it can be a real fucking vibe killer.


Of all the people that I hate, I think I hate terrorists the most. Frick terrorists.

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Written by TFM

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