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4 People that NEED to be kicked in the NUTS

One topic I read about often are blogs titled ‘people that need to be punched in the face.’ While these are fucking hilarious at times, I don’t think a punch in the face is always the right move. For starters, if the right person punches you in a specific spot in your face, that could result in permanent brain damage. If Mike Tyson hits me in the face as hard as he can, I will die. In many ways, a punch in the face could be a death sentence, and I’m not in any sort of position to give anyone a death sentence.  

The other reason that a punch to the face isn’t the right move, even for someone that deserves it, is that you could get more bang for your buck by hitting him somewhere else. Assuming that you are wanting someone to get punched in the face not because you want to kill them, but rather because you feel that this person needs a reality check. This person needs to be put in place. This person needs to be punished for acting the way that they are, so a sharp, instantaneous, and embarrassing type of pain is the way to go.

A punch in the face may be too quick, not-deserving enough, and definitely lacking in pain. Anytime someone acts in a way that makes them deserve a punch to the face… don’t punch them in the face. Kick them in the nuts. This is a pain that men of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds will remember and fear. If this person chooses to act foul more than once, so many times that you simply cannot change this man’s nature, that’s fine. Continue to kick him in the nuts. Kick him in the nuts so many times that this man’s foul nature ends with him, as he will lose the ability to reproduce sperm due to damaged testacles. Who knows, you could theoretically save the world by canceling what could have been a very troublesome set of offspring, even more troublesome than the father. 

I’m a nonviolent person. This as far as violent thoughts will go for a nonviolent person. I also don’t want my words to come back and bite me in the ass. So when I say that these people need a kick in the nuts, I mean I find them realy fucking bothersome and I would enjoy watching them struggle with the immediate aftermath of getting kicked in the nuts, but please don’t think too hard about this blog. This blog is meant to be a joke about people that I find quite irritating.

  1. Jake Paul

I mean holy shit. This guy is the worst. His whole brand is about being an annoying asshole, so who is more deserving of a kick in the fucking testacles than Jake Paul, a professional asshole. I wouldn’t lose not even a second of sleep if he was unable to produce offspring. He’s making millions right now because every time he’s involved in a pay per view fight, America races to the television to purchase and watch the fight out of the hope that he gets the living Christ beaten out of him. Hopefully one of these ex-UFC fighters he continues to fight just gives him a shot to the nuts so hard, that he coughs his sack right out of his shit-licking mouth.

  1. Ben Shapiro

Political views aside, this guy sucks. Oh my god he’s a nightmare. If you are a reader of Total Frat Move material, you likely enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage or perhaps the occasional recreational drug. Ben Shapiro is the guy that tells the police that you’re smoking a blunt in your car. You’re not a violent criminal, you’re not even in the vicinity of Ben Shapiro, you’re just smoking in your car. Ben Shapiro would “tell on you” like a toddler. I think he honestly believes that anyone who doesn’t believe exactly what he believes in is inferior and incorrect, which is one of the most foolish and dangerous ways of thought a human could have. He airs his show on snapchat, hoping to influence the younger demographics. My god, leave the children alone. Please, send a guy to kick him in the nuts in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night, every day for a month. Air his struggle on national television like the Truman Show. This guy needs it. It’s hard to talk at the speed of a million miles an hour while your balls are in your stomach. 

  1. James Charles

This guy is just annoying. This clown makes so much noise and plays the victim card way too often, especially for a guy who makes racist comments, grooms underage boys, oh and sends suspiciously flirtatious snapchats to my friend. Yeah. My buddy got some creepy snaps from James Charles. Sure, my buddy is a pretty handsome dude, I’ll give him that. How James Charles got his snapchat is beyond me or my buddy, and how (and what) he continued to snap him was quite inappropriate. Let’s just say that the internet’s hate for this fucking tramp is more than deserved. I don’t think anyone would think twice if you added a few kicks to his nuts on his tab.  

  1. LeBron James (one kick, on the court)

I’ve said this at least a million times. Off the court, LeBron James is an incredible person. What he’s done for charity, hundreds of communities and households, and for progressive change around the world puts him in an elite category and status of his own. He’s a fucking angel. I love how he sticks his neck out there and speaks up on uncomfortable issues. I know a lot of people hate when sports and social issues intermingle, but I’ve always believed that sports are one of the greatest sources of unity and vehicles for change. I hope he continues to do what he does off the court. Society needs LeBron James.

With that being said, LeBron on the court is perhaps one of my least favorite players to watch in the entire league. Half of it is because he’s so dominant, while the other half is because of his excessive flopping. He could be barely grazed while going up for a layup, like imagine a blade of glass stroking past your cheek, and he’ll go down on the court, roll in pain, and will require a medical time out. One player needs to kick him in the nuts. Just once. It needs to be subtle, not seen by the refs, but he needs to feel it. His theatrics are out of control and are honestly ruining the game of basketball. He is conditioning the refs to call more fouls than they should. So perhaps a real hard and personal foul, such as being kicked right in the testacles during a game, could be the very act that snaps him out of this desire to win an academy award for best flopping performance during a basketball game. 
I’m a Warriors fan, so obviously I’m biased and still salty after our 2016 NBA Finals collapse, where we blew a 3-1 lead.

What do you think?

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Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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