4 Types of People You Will Meet on the 4th of July

If you’re going to a 4th of July party this year, there is a 99.9% chance you will see one of these people!

George Washington Jr.: This is the guy who blacks out and goes on a 20-minute unwanted rant on why we need changes in this country to someone who definitely doesn’t want to listen. When you talk to this guy, you’re unsure if he loves America or was at the Capitol on January 6th. Probably both. Head to toe dressed in Red, White, and Blue, and yells “BACK TO BACK WORLD WAR CHAMPS” at everyone.

This Country Sucks”: This is the polar opposite of the previous person. The only Red, White, and Blue they wear is the blue hair they dye to “express themselves”. They will probably mention that we shouldn’t celebrate a country that has consistently oppressed minorities and immigrants for you. Instead of just sitting inside and enjoying the AC, they will go to a party and try to ruin other people’s holiday.

Karen: She is all for personal “freedom” but will complain about people setting fireworks off past 9 pm because her 13-year-old chihuahua can’t sleep. She will relentlessly post on the neighborhood Facebook posts asking “Fireworks or Gunshots?”. She is an improvement from the blue-haired person complaining about America, but not by much.

Pyro Maniac: Everyone has one of these in the neighborhoods. He is 13 Coors Lights deep. (He stopped drinking Bud Light a couple of months ago) He is wearing long cargo shorts and no shirt. After having a 20-minute conversation with George Washington Jr. about how this country has gone to shit, he starts firing off a plethora of fireworks that could probably blow a third-world country into pieces.

Written by TFM Stelly

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