The Age of Realization
For most of any guy’s life, we want to be some kind of professional athlete. It’s a great dream, but it gets encouraged way too long. At some point, 99% of dudes have to go through a period of recognition in which they realize that being a 5’9” “defensive specialist” who can’t shoot is never a direct path to the NBA.
The Beer/Metabolism Graph
In my mind, a guy’s enjoyment of beer and metabolism exist on a graph in which they make one big “x,” kind of like this:
The metabolism is the red line, and the enjoyment of beer is the blue, and as you can see, right when your enjoyment of beer really goes up, your metabolism goes down. It fucking blows.
Losing in Fantasy Football
My week is genuinely affected by how my fantasy teams do, and when you finally end up being fully out of contention for a league championship, it can be one of the most painful experiences you have.
One of the most criminal things any man will go through is going to stalk a hot girl that he doesn’t follow on Instagram, only to realize that she doesn’t have a VSCO linked in her bio. Sometimes we’re lucky, and a quick search of their name on the app will bring it up, but when one doesn’t even exist, it becomes extremely painful.
Just a Fart
You’re sitting on your couch when out of nowhere you feel an intense gurgle in your stomach. After pausing for a few moments to determine the severity of what’s going on in your bowels, you jump up and waddle to the bathroom with your hand holding your ass cheeks closed. Shut the door, drop the drawers, and… just a fart. No bigger disappointment than going through the effort to not shit your pants only to realize you were in the clear all along.