Dad Nap: If 9/11 happened on a Sunday afternoon and my Dad was two blocks down the street, he would have slept through it.
Say You’re Going To Protest The NFL But Not Doing So: It was a tough summer of 2020 for a lot of Dads. I know a plethora of Dads that beer in hand at a barbecue vowed they were “done with the political bullshit” and were no longer going to watch the NFL. I then went home for a weekend during the fall and saw my Dad posted up on the couch watching the game. What’s this? I said, perplexed, football’s on, he replied.
Too Many Paper Towels: You could spill a quarter cup of orange juice, and any Dad across America would use enough paper towels to soak up all of the blood from the battle of Antietam to clean it. My Dad treats spills like he’s at a Kindergarten Halloween party, wrapping up some kid like a god damn mummy. It doesn’t matter how many times my Mother has yelled at him or how nonsensical of a move it is; no matter what, my Dad wraps paper towels until he can mummify a child at a Kindergarten Halloween party.
Winning Arguments By Saying Nah: My only motivation to reproduce is to say, “I told you so.” Not only will my child have the misfortunes of my athletic abilities, facial structure, and whatever other heredity ailments I’ll come to find out I have years down the road, but when he asks me why he can’t make a reasonable request, and it interferes with my convenience, he will be getting hit with an “I told you so” faster than Shaun King tweeting police car footage. When you’re a Dad, you get to win arguments where you are clearly in the wrong by just saying, “Nah. I don’t believe what you’re saying.”
Pet Your Dog Insanely Hard: PETA would have a fucking heart attack watching a Dad three beers deep petting a dog at a barbecue. Chris Rock has nothing on the trials and tribulations of my family dog. Dads pet dogs by smacking them with full force, and it’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know why the physical response to a fifty-three-year-old guy to the world’s cutest domestic animal is to act like they are in a scene from the movie Airplane, but that’s just how it is.