As recent events have shown, there is very little that this country can all agree on other than that Amber Heard is a piece of her own shit and Ukraine should definitely not be a part of Russia. In an attempt to bring people back together, I was going to write about things that everyone likes. However, I quickly realized I have no idea what women like, so instead, here are five things that all guys like.
If there is one thing that brings people together, it’s arguing about how many toddlers they could take in a fight. An average dude hang out consists of watching sports no one has any real interest in, while discussing the most ridiculous questions possible. Frequent topics of conversation include how much money it would take to do different homosexual acts, having sex with various people’s mothers, and extreme physical abnormalities. While the discussion is often vulgar and repulsive, there is comfort knowing you are in a safe space where no one will repeat a word or else everyone’s life is effectively ruined.
Nothing makes grown men happier than Tiger wearing red on Sunday. The man is an icon, a true American underdog, and undoubtedly the least cancelable human alive. Despite being caught having dozens of affairs at once, getting a DUI, and two other serious car wrecks due to “personal reasons,” Tiger still remains a hero to millions across the country. Maybe it’s because most of us grew up watching him dominate the PGA, or maybe it’s his unwillingness to ever give up, or perhaps it’s because we all see a little bit of ourselves in him, but for whatever reason Tiger is a man for the people. Sure he makes mistakes — and he will be the first to go on live national television and admit that —but at the end of the day, Tiger is just a simple dude who likes golf, booze, and chasing tail.
Men are simple creatures. I can’t tell you what it is, but watching things burn and turn to ash is one of the greatest pleasures a man can enjoy. I’m convinced that all guys are secretly pyromaniacs. If you give a guy a lighter and a piece of garbage, there is approximately a 97% chance that he tries to set the trash on fire. We are curious to see how different things burn. For example, I know that I like watching tinfoil and Kit-Kat wrappers burn to nothingness, while some of my friends like to melt plastic cutlery. However, we can all agree nothing beats making a mini flamethrower out of a sunscreen bottle.
No matter your athletic ability, everyone is a fan of pool basketball. Pretty much just an aquatic version of Royal Rumble, pool basketball requires minimal talent and a lot of heart. There will certainly be blood, biting, and an obscene amount of drowning, but it’s all done in good fun. Does the game pose several health risks? I guess, if you want to sound like a little bitch. It’s fun enough to hold your friend’s head under water while they desperately gasp for air, but now you can slam dunk too! Plus, if you lack enough oxygen you will get a crazy head rush, so it’s a real win-win scenario.
As boys, we are taught at an early age to aim and pick the seat up. While we usually disregard both, it’s still nice to not need to worry about them. Pissing outside is such a freeing experience, it’s like how I imagine Caitlyn Jenner felt after finally removing her *appendage.* We are no longer confined to a small target and may draw out any shapes we please. Though it’s harder than you’d think to write your name, a five point star is well within range as is a small dog.