5 Things I Don’t Believe People Actually Do

There are several phenomena in this world that I just straight up don’t believe in like time travel and black holes. Similarly, there are things I see and hear about people doing that I kinda just don’t buy. Here are five things that I’m pretty sure no one actually does.

Wash Their Legs In The Shower

Unless there is clearly visible dirt on you, I think it’s safe to say that none of us actually bend over in the shower. There is no point to lathering soap on your legs and exposing your butthole to the shower head like one of those carnival games where you squirt the water into the clown’s mouth. If you put enough soap on your arms and torso the water will spread it down to your legs naturally on its way to the drain. It’s called gravity, duh.

Enjoy Running

Even people who run marathons hate running. Anyone who runs has some sort of ulterior motive. It could be to stay healthy, or to stay conditioned for playing a sport, or possibly just so they can brag to the world with their 13.1 sticker they smacked on the back of their minivan. Whatever the reason, it sure as hell isn’t for fun. Some people will try to convince you and even themselves that they enjoy running by throwing around this bullshit term they call a “runner’s high.” Don’t listen to them, it’s a lie. If you want a real high run over to your nearest drug dealer. Or huff paint, it’s still better than running.

Eat Pears

I’m not saying pears don’t exist. I’m not an idiot, I watched Nickelodeon as a kid. That being said, I don’t think there is a single person that has ever bought a pear from the grocery store just to eat by itself. I’ve heard of them in salads and even pasta dishes, but not one time has anyone ever munched on a pear as they would an apple or banana.

Floss Daily

I brush my teeth twice a day like a normal person. I even use mouthwash, so you could say I’m a bit of an overachiever, but the closest I get to flossing is using a toothpick. Aside from those small ones with a little handle, no one is buying a roll of floss and playing tug-of-war in between each tooth every night. I refuse to believe I am the only one that profusely bleeds every single time I go to the dentist, that’s gotta be all of us.

Root For Kyrie Irving

I guess if you were a Nets fan last season you were technically “rooting” for him, but you can’t tell me you like the guy. There is no denying that Kyrie is a great basketball player, but still fuck him. This has nothing to do with Kyrie’s stance on the vaccine or even when he decided not to play basketball as a form of protest, not rooting for Kyrie stems from the fact he always needs attention. Kyrie does and says outlandish things not because he’s dumb or misinformed, but just so he can be trending on Twitter. For example, remember when he returned to Boston his first year as a Net? That’s right, he felt the need to burn sage all around TD Garden as to erase the bad omens. Not only is that extremely unnecessary, it’s also some crazy ass Phoebe Buffay shit. As if believing in “alternative medicine” wasn’t enough, Kyrie is also a strong proponent of the flat earth movement. While that is already ridiculous, he doubled-down on his stance once and claimed “there is not one real picture of Earth.” I’m all for conspiracy theories, but listening to this guy speak costs you brain cells and I’m pretty confident everyone else other than Alex Jones agrees.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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