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5 Things that you NEED to do this Memorial Day Weekend

I’ll keep this short and sweet. If you have to work either today or tomorrow, god bless you, you are fighting the good fight and putting this country on your back. If you aren’t working today, then you have no choice but to honor those that are. The only way to do that is to do at least 2 of the 5 activities below. These aren’t tips, these are prescriptions. Requirements.

  1. BBQ

This is the easiest one. Today, the grill has to be hot. Burgers, ribs, steak, chicken, a couple hot dogs, it doesn’t matter. Even if you are a vegetarian, you could still put a few bell peppers and corn on. Hell, you could literally just light the BBQ with nothing on it and give the neighborhood the gift of good smells and great summer vibes. It’s a fantastic way to give back to the community. If you don’t have a grill, find a neighbor that does and set up shop over there. Or better yet, go order some takeout and tip our working boys and girls on grill duty.

2. Tarps off

If the sun is out, the shirt’s gotta be off. Fellas, maybe do a couple curls just for shits, to keep the blood moving. But no singular body, no matter what color, shape, or size, should feel the urge to hide behind a T-Shirt. If the sun is out, then you are obligated to show some skin. All I know is that the Midwest had a dark and gloomy winter and many of us walked away looking a little pasty. No better time to start that tanning regimen than today.

3. Find a body of water

This plays off of rule #2. If the sun is out, you better sniff out a body of water to honor those that are unavailable to do so. You also don’t have to live in California or Florida to do this. Oceans, lakes, pools, swamps, sinks, and puddles from spilled drinks all qualify. All biological life on this planet started in water, so pay your respects to your ancestors and soak in some H2O on this fine day.

4. There needs to be music playing in an outside setting

I don’t think this needs any further analysis. The genre doesn’t matter, just as long as some device is generating literal waves of sound that act in unison to create some sort of artistic rhythm us humans have coined as ~music~ all enclosed in a setting dominated by nature.

5. Drink seltzer like there’s no tomorrow

If you are planning on consuming alcohol today (congrats dude!) seltzer should be on that menu. If you are still on some seltzer strike, because it’s not manly enough or whatever your backwards logic consists of, put it to rest pal. You and your hot air balloon for an ego aren’t impressing anyone with this nonsensical ideology. So stop sulking about your two inch cock and definitely stop undermining the amazing sensations that the rest of us get from deleting cold seltzers on a hot day. Seltzers were made for days such as these. Obviously there’s no better day to get beer drunk than today, but if you want to be on that solely liquid seltzer diet, all the power to you. It’s 2021, let it rip.

I hope this list is helpful. Remember that if you aren’t working today, you are required to honor those that are and do at least 2 of the 5 activities listed above. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to complete all 5.

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Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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