Going Through It: It doesn’t matter what it is; as long as the pill is green, this guy’s been taking it since she left him. The definition of dudes down bad, his ex-girlfriend of three weeks has been going out at night with a vengeance. She could go to another school with a Snapchat story that would make you think she’s shooting a scene on Blacked rather than being a bar patron for two-dollar Lemon Drop shot night, or she could be flaunting her carelessness in front of his face. Either way, your whole friend group is tired of hearing Lil Peep blast from his shower, and the grace period for the dabs he’s been taking free of charge is just about over, it’s time to get this guy back on the horse. Not to mention, he’s been an absolute menace with your dry-wall. Take the pills away out of his hand and get this man to a Dave & Busters ASAP. Have you ever seen anybody depressed in Dave & Busters? Me neither.
Unfazed: This guy wanted out of the relationship anyway and didn’t know it. He’s easy-going, lazy, and really really fucking dumb. He’s your friend that gets mind blown whenever @weird_factss comes across on his Instagram explorer page. Yo, did you know Pablo Escobar spent $2,500 a month on bands to hold his money? That’s fucking crazy, bro. His ex will over-examine pretty much everything he does because she’ll think he’s mysterious when in reality, he’s the bar-tard that doesn’t know how to work the Keurig in your kitchen. The only reason he was in a relationship, to begin with, was because he figured it was convenient sex without spending time or money playing the field, but boy, was he wrong.
Scottie Pippen: She’s made him binge watch seven seasons of Love Island, treats him like he’s an accessory as opposed to a human, and every time they fight, he claims he’s finally done with her shit…but guess who’s walking out of your house two-weeks later in his sweatshirt? He’s pussy whipped. Maybe he’s not the best-looking guy, and maybe he’s got anxiety. Whatever it may be, his on-again-off-again girlfriend is taking advantage of his weaknesses. There’s a reason I have him down as Scottie Pippen, folks, she’s chewed this man and spit him out a fuck load of times. He knows deep down he’s unhappy, but he keeps going back to that mousetrap of a pussy. My best advice: stop trying to give this guy advice. The more you tell him how much his girlfriend sucks, the more he’ll want to stay with her to prove you wrong.
Pathetic: It’s been nine months, dude. She’s not posting pictures of her formal date to make you jealous, you’re just a fucking psychopath. The five-inch pocket rocket your cooking with wasn’t enough to have her in shambles over the split, and that was a detrimental blow to your ego. When you’re out with the guys calling her a “fucking cunt,” and a “gross slut,” you’re forgetting to mention that you wound up on Summer 2019 of her VSCO last night. I’m not saying I don’t ride with my kings, but this guy is too much of a douche for me to tolerate.
Holding The Line: This guy lost a girl that he really loved. They were a great couple, but extraordinary circumstances came up, and the relationship was no longer feasible. He’s your boy that starts to tear up after too much whiskey when
Morgan Wallen a good country singer who has not said the n-word, and I can reference without people being a pain in the ass in my DMs is on. He’s probably optimistic that they’ll end up together “in another life,” but that’s not the case right now. Stay strong, king. We love you.