Nicknames are like a currency of living in a fraternity house. Most of them are given during pledging as a result of something you did, or as a traditional pass-down from an older brother. Some are given later, once someone has been in long enough to establish certain tendencies. There are likely thousands in existence, but here are a few — some real, some hypothetical — that perfectly illustrate the beautiful tradition that is the fraternity nickname.
- Bobsled: Banged his date to winter formal in the snow outside the hotel.
- Wiggles: Has been sent to judicial affairs dozens of times and seems to inexplicably get out of it every time.
- Fleaflicker: Tries to make everything fancier than it needs to be, whether it’s wearing a suit to a casual event or always wanting to run a trick play on the football field.
- Flounder: His buddies watched Animal House one too many times, and they also aren’t particularly creative.
- MJ: Nailed six of the hottest sorority chicks on campus one after the other, but took a two year break in between three of them when he got kicked out of school briefly.
- Valentine: Thinks he’s a ladies man. He’s not.
- Blanket: Has a thing for lying on top of people for no reason. I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either.
- Slurpie: You don’t even wanna know.
- Cheech and Chong: The two stoners in the fraternity who never seem to be apart from each other. They offer nothing in chapter meetings except dick jokes.
- Flipper: Has a tendency to make girls angry and always seems to think it’s a good idea to “Flipper the bird.”
- Newman: The guy who always shows up to your room exactly when you don’t want him to.
- Shotgun: Wakes up the entire house by making loud noises at least once a week.
- Baby Jesus: Can’t grow a beard, which is something that he’s wildly insecure about.
- Worm: Manages to crawl his way into every debate just to fuck with both sides.
- Cox: It’s just his last name. Why would you call someone with such a hilarious last name anything else?
- Sunshine: The long hair guy from California who is an absolute moron, but pisses everyone off at how much tail he gets.
- Cowboy: Wears boots and a hat when everyone goes out in spite of the fact that he can’t tell a hooey from a slipknot and is deathly afraid of horses.
- Steve: Fuck Steve.
- Tripp: No, not because he has a “III” after his last name — there are, like, five of those guys in your chapter. He’s just the only one who happens to have a third nipple.
- Gramps: Been a member for longer than anyone else can remember. You’d call him a seventh year, but nobody’s totally sure which pledge class he’s from because he was always too hungover to show up on the day composite pictures were taken.
- Lizard: The skeezy guy who can pretty much get you anything you need: tests, drugs, schematics to the science building. No one is stupid enough to ask him how.
- Captain Ahab: Has a tendency to chase whales when he gets drunk at parties.
- Armpit: He doesn’t smell bad per se, but he really looks like he should.
- Murph: His last name isn’t even Murphy. No one has any idea why they call him Murph.
- Ruckus: Breaks everything in the house not tied down every time he polishes off a bottle of McCormick by himself — which is often.
- Caveman: The dude no one wants to fuck with. You have his number basically on speed dial for when shit goes down, and if anyone needs to be kicked out of the party, it’s usually Caveman tossing the douche out.
- Gary: His name isn’t Gary, but he acts like a fucking Gary.
- Zippy: Goes from girlfriend to girlfriend faster than anyone can learn their names.
- Statler and Waldorf: They sit around in the back of parties and talk about how stupid everyone else is. They’re too busy doing that to bother talking to other people.
- Rasputin: Has gotten alcohol poisoning so many times that people have legitimately thought he was dead on multiple occasions. The chapter has a designated position for someone to watch Rasputin and make sure he doesn’t drink too much, a tactic that only rarely works.
- Sperry: The kid owns so many pairs of boat shoes, you wonder if he’s planning on starting his own underground Macy’s.
- Mac: He likes to think it’s because it sounds tough, but it’s really because the fucker won’t stop making other people’s mac and cheese when he’s blackout.
- Sock: You really, REALLY don’t wanna know.
- DM: The dude has sent so many dick pics to girls on Twitter, it’s amazing they haven’t suspended his account yet.
- Rat: Squealy-lookin’ dude who just kind of smiles at everything. Despite his name, he’s oddly loyal and would probably be the last dude in the chapter to narc on anyone.
- Forrest: He’s so dumb, you wonder if he legitimately has a disability, but he always manages to be around when the coolest shit happens. Plus, he’s absurdly good at intramural football.
- Pants: The dude who refuses to wear anything but shorts, no matter the weather. It’s an ironic name.
- Sparky: Has “accidentally” set the house on fire seven times. He doesn’t seem to have any ill will toward everyone else, but you’re all pretty sure you’re going to die in flames in your sleep before you graduate.
- Target: Zooms in on one girl at every party and will not let her out of his sight. Works with mixed results.
- Crash: He’s the one starting all the fights that you eventually have to call Caveman for.
- Marino: He’s the best quarterback your intramural team has had in years, but he can’t seem to win a championship for you.
- Woody: His pickup line is to dance really close on girls at parties and then say, “Guess who my favorite Toy Story character is?” He’s an idiot.
- Spanx: You guys caught him wearing spanx. Name sort of speaks for itself.
- Chief: The guy with the face that just makes everyone want to condescendingly call him chief, so everyone does.
- Elvis: Wears stupid shirts and was voted most likely to die on his own toilet.
- Sack: His response to any slight against him is to teabag anything and everything that you own.
- Professor: Either the smartest guy in your chapter or the dumbest. It’s up to you.
- Gator: Your resident backwoods redneck. He’s probably saved your house thousands of dollars by fixing things in ways that are probably against about nine different building codes.
- Buck: Your resident rich redneck. The guy whose family owns the lease everyone wants to hunt on.
- Spoon: His big line to girls he’s texting is convincing them how much he loves to cuddle, which is just sad and hilarious.
- Frodo: Has tried to drunkenly propose to all of his girlfriends, hence proving his unhealthy obsession with the ring.
- Janitor: Cleans up after everyone. As in, will eat your leftovers, drink half-finished beers, and take any girl upstairs left at the end of the party.
- Captain: The de facto leader. The president is technically in charge, but even he defers to Cap.
- Runny: I cannot explain how much you don’t want to fucking know..
