If you have read any of my previous posts, you are well aware I like to see how far I can take things. So much so that my mother has informed me I may be costing myself future employment if people ever read my blogs. Clearly she has no idea who and how many read these. However, to appease her I came up with a list of backup options if I somehow ever get big enough to then get canceled. After some brainstorming and googling what jobs people with no skills can get, I compiled a list of six career paths that seem both easy and enjoyable as long as you don’t care about making money.
When I say security guard I mean at one of those places that shouldn’t have one like a pharmacy or nursing home. I’m not prepared to engage in any sort of combat or protective services, but I sure can call the real authorities if a problem occurs. Really I’m just looking for a job that pays to play Clash of Clans all day and I think this is the closest I can get.
I think we can all agree that the only thing that looks more fun than driving a forklift is grocery shopping in one of those Wall-E carts. Imagine your job is lifting and moving really heavy objects, but you don’t need to do any physical exercise at all. It’s kind of like watching The Biggest Loser to feel good about yourself instead of working on your own body. Also, because forklifts are so fun to ride, you can rent yours out on the weekends like a boat or jetski. Now you have two sources of income and an adult bumper car.
NYC Deli Man
As someone severely lacking self-esteem, working at a New York City deli could really help me grow as an individual. Ocks are the most confident people on the face of this planet. There is no other business owner that looks as unhappy when a customer enters. Deli guys will yell at you for ordering wrong, insult you and your family, and then throw a BEC at your head all for you to say “thanks boss” and pay $12. Bodega owners don’t give a shit about you or whether you return and I envy them so much for it. One time, I ordered and the guy left to go smoke outside. You know what I did? I waited and didn’t say shit. He walked back in five minutes later, shot me a look like it was my family who was responsible for the building of the Freedom Tower, did not say a single word. That is supreme confidence.
The things I’d do to feed a watermelon to a hippo are absolutely unspeakable. Is it worth bathing a lion or helping a panda give birth? You bet your ass it is. Imagine a day where your work schedule consists of feeding penguins, cleaning a giraffe’s neck, and hanging out with seals. Sure, there are clear downsides to being a zookeeper, but in return you get free cargo shorts and unlimited bananas. Also a plus, you can fart on the job as much as you want, just blame the elephants.
If you’ve ever seen a pressure cleaning video on Tiktok you understand what I mean. This is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s basically like vacuuming for outside, except instead of sucking dirt up, it pushes stuff out — sorta like instead of pooping you get a prostate exam. I don’t know much about pressure cleaning, but I know it’s basically just using a hose, which I have a lot of experience with, if you know what I mean… (I’m talking about my penis).
Look, I’m not smart, but I’m smart enough to teach long division to a third grader who’s parents’ only form of love is throwing money around. I may have failed pre-calculus and chemistry, but I’m pretty dirty when it comes to fractions. Tutoring is a great gig because you work on your own hours, only need to teach the stupid kids, and get paid entirely in cash making it significantly easier to trade in for drugs.