1. Pronouns in the Bio
Look, if you want to let everyone who clicks on your profile know that you’re a “She/her” that’s perfectly fine. I don’t understand even a little bit why you feel the need to put it in your Instagram bio because seriously who the fuck cares but go ahead and put it in there. That does, however, automatically tell me that you and I will not ever be compatible. Why? Without giving out anything that will give everyone further grounds to cancel me, let’s just say that if you have your pronouns in your bio, it is a FACT that I will have to censor myself around you. And hey, shockingly, a guy who writes about poop and jerking off on the internet for anyone to see isn’t someone who wants to have to watch what he says. So, yeah, all you “She/hers” out there, I think it’s best for both of us if we keep some distance between us.
Look, respect to any girl who can go out there and shoot par, but I have absolutely ZERO desire to ever end up with a girl that plays golf. One issue I have with it is that to me one of the best things about golf is that, when I go, there are no girls there. The absolute last thing I want to think about is having to tell the fellas, “Yeah, we’re going to have to go in two groups because my girlfriend wants to come with us,” just before we hit the links. That sounds like hell because to me golf is a sanctuary for just the boys. But even worse than the thought of my girlfriend constantly wanting to come along and the biggest issue I’d have is the thought of her actually being better than I am. I’m not really that great at golf, and I know for a fact there are many people out there who lack Y chromosomes that could beat me. I honestly can’t think of anything more embarrassing than that, so yeah, golfer girls are an absolute no-go.
I don’t even know if I need to explain this one. If she rides horses as her primary hobby, there’s no doubt: she is FUCKING NUTS. I mean these are the girls that when we were eight would gallop around the recess yard neighing and doing whatever other stupid things horses do. I’m honestly shocked they’re allowed out in society with the rest of us. Now you’re asking me to consider dating one? Absofuckinglutely not. I challenge any of you to find me one of these girls that doesn’t belong in the all-female version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest because I swear to God not a singular one exists.
4. Has OnlyFans
I am in no way shitting on any girl who has the bravery to fuck herself on camera. That’s a noble profession, and may God bless you always for taking on that work. With that being said though, I feel like one of the nicer things about dating a girl is knowing that the only person who’s going to be seeing her naked is you. Call me old fashioned, but that’s just how I feel. If a forty-five-year-old guy with a credit card and an iPhone can see my significant other shove a dildo up her ass, I feel like it would just take some of the magic out of the relationship for me. That’s not to mention the fact that if she’s out there fingering herself on camera, she’s probably way too sexually advanced for me and that’s a little scary too.
5. Muscle Definition
Hey, I hope my girlfriend is in good shape. I really do. But there’s a difference between being in good shape and looking like you take roids. If she’s got a defined six-pack and bulging biceps, it’s going to be a hard no from me. I am all for doing squats to maximize the glutes, but if I take one look at you and know you could beat me in an arm-wrestling match, well, that’s just about as big a turn off as if you’re rockin’ a Lizzo bod. It’s just scientifically unattractive.
6. “Funny” Girls
I’m not going to say that no girls are funny. There are women out there with awesome senses of humor. Do I tend to not find women as funny as men? Yes. Is that because I am a man and not a woman and share humor more with people of my own gender? Also yes. But the point here isn’t about whether or not there are funny girls out there – because there absolutely are. It’s that there are a lot of girls out there who think they’re funny and constantly say that they’re funny. And let’s face it, 99% of that group is about as funny as any movie Melissa McCarthy has starred in. If you need to tell me that something that you did was funny as a preface to the story, it’s almost a guarantee that I won’t laugh. And when (that’s right, when) I don’t laugh, please don’t say, “How funny is that?” because I’m telling you it’s not going to be easy for me to continue thinking that Ray Rice is a bad guy. So yeah there’s no shot I end up with one of those “funny” girls.