TSM
Well fellas, it’s a Friday night and all the bounces are going your way. You’re about 4 beers deep, just ripped 2 shots of tequila, and are about to get a White Claw to show this girl your sensitive side. You are the perfect amount of drunk and your personality is 48% Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers, 4% Zac Efron in High School Musical, and 48% Ryan Gosling from Crazy Stupid Love (I’ve tried the “Wow you’re really wearing that dress like you’re doing it a favor’ line and it works wonders). Anyways, this girl is somehow into you and she’s laughing at your mediocre recycled, jokes that you’ve plagiarized from memes and you nailed your movie quotes that land 60% of the time, every time. She gives you the eyes, maybe you sneak a kiss at the bar and she asks you if you want to get out of there.
DON’T HIGH FIVE YOUR FRIENDS IN CELEBRATION AT THIS POINT, THIS AINT ENTOURAGE AND FAR TOO COCKY A MOVE.
You walk outside the bar, confident, proud, but cool, collected. Don’t blow this. it’s quarantine and it’s been a while. You’ve never called an Uber more efficiently in your life, it’s a $37 surcharge but you can’t think about money at a time like this. You’ve already spent $140 on tequila for her and her friends, what’s another $37. As long as you don’t say anything stupid this night is looking good. Fast forward to the bedroom. Ok ok one more time don’t blow this. Now of course this is shaping up to be a one night stand situation on paper. Things start to progress and few comments are made that make the record books. Here are 6 lines from girls you will undoubtedly hear throughout your drunk, one night stand escapades.
I literally never do this
Well this one is a classic. What a line for the ages! I’m sure my father may have heard this once or twice, maybe our moms sounded like George Constanza back in the day, “Are you kidding? I invented the I literally never do this routine. Nobody does it better than me.” Of course you believe her until the next morning when you see her Instagram and one kid in your fraternity whose a year younger follows her and gives you the whole jizzclosure of her sexual history. Then you start questioning what the words ‘literally’ and ‘never’ even mean. If you hear this line, I’m going 80/20 she does this a lot.
I’m not that type of girl
Ok listen Jessica. Rebecca? No Sarah? Sorry Amanda? Amanda right! That remains to be seen. I bought you a tequila shot as you were wearing a jean jacket, with a black top, with slightly ripped tight jeans, ray bans, and white adidas sneakers, so uhhhh. (I like to count how many girls in a given bar are wearing that exact outfit, sorry OCD). My 7th grade history teacher who got fired for yelling at the 90 year old librarian always told me “If the shoe fits, wear it” and I take that to heart! Anyways, you took a boomerang with your mimosa and black Tory Burch handbag at your brunch with 9 girls wearing the same outfit so I’m not so sure.
Don’t get any ideas
This is a great one. She might even throw in a “buster” or “chief” in there if you’re lucky. HOW COULD WE NOT GET ANY IDEAS? It’s 3 AM and you’ve laughed at all my terrible jokes and you walked up 5 flights of stairs in high heels listening to me talk about UFO conspiracy theories. That’s some commitment on your end babe, I respect that, nobody wants to listen to those stories so kudos to you. What if I walked into my apartment and Bobby Flay was cooking up a 4 course meal and gives me a taste of each dish and it looks amazing and I’m super hungry and Bobby says “Don’t get any ideas you little fuckboi” I might just have to call his bluff.
You’re still gonna take me out to dinner after this?
Oh boy. Now don’t get me wrong I’m a nice guy and fully enjoy going out to dinner with a beautiful intelligent woman but if you’re going home with me at 3 AM when we met 37 minutes ago, I’m not so sure if you’re dinner party worthy. I have very high standards for my dinner guests. I know it’s a double standard, but we’re guys we never make sense. Either way, this is not the best comment for a guy to hear. I almost hear Chris Collinsworth from the booth saying “Aww you hate to see that” but I digress. Just start naming rooftop bars and speakeasy’s until she says “oh that sounds trendy.”
What’s My Name?
***heart starts pounding. I think a lot of us have personally been in this situation. Clothes off, lights off, she tells you to get a condom and BAM. She say’s those 3 words and you better respond quickly or you’re going down like Chinatown. WHAT’S MY NAME? Are you drawing a blank? Were you not ready for the trick question? Perhaps the bar was loud and you never caught her name to be honest and you might really like her but any way you swing it, it’s not a good look. You try to recover. J..Jennif..Olivi…Allys. “Oh my god you don’t know my name.” You could hit her with your only option, “oh yeah, well uhhh what’s my name?” That’s a bold move Cotton. She’ll hit you right back with your legal name, birthday, social, favorite pornstar, and girl you lost your virginity to. Britney Spears has a better chance of a comeback after you blow a layup of a question like this.
So do you do anyone from “Penn State, Maryland, Michigan, etc.”
Be super careful here boys. Don’t be swinging names around willy nilly like your Van Wilder on every campus, big mistake. Don’t rush to naming the hottest girl you DFMO’d with for 30 seconds when you visited Tulane last year, not worth it. Chances are she’s already in a group chat with 60% of the girls you could mention and all it takes is a “Hi I just met Steven Glansberg from Lehigh does anyone know him?” Next thing you know a girl says ‘yeah that kids a loser and eats his dessert alone in the cafeteria’ and your chances are going bye bye. So let’s try this again, do you know anyone from Wisconsin? Michael Kelso should be the only answer.
If you can take anything away from this article boys, when you meet a girl at a bar you would like to see again, just repeat her name in your head 3 x. It could save you your life. I hope everyone finds suitable dinner partners.
