Dear Talyor Swift,
I noticed that you just released another album focused on your dating past and I would like to throw my name in the ring for one of your subsequent “relationships”… whenever you’re done with that nobody Joe Alwyn. Here are 6 reasons why you should go out with me:
- We don’t have to actually meet. Let’s just have a zoom call. Talk about some things we like. Share each of our favorite Pixar movies and use that as our first date or “the moment we fell in love”. We can lie and tell the press we met at a fundraiser or some shit you pretend to care about.
- We don’t even have to date that long. All I ask is like a month of us doing some subtle “are they dating?” troupes to get the press all fucked up. Sitting next to each other at an award show or getting caught going to each others birthday parties. Also, I’m learning photoshop, so we don’t even actually have to do any of that stuff. After a month, all I require is ONE tweet of us together. Again, I just started photoshop so I need that month to practice.
- I’m the perfect age. Clearly, age has not been a factor for your relationships before so why start now? You will be a couple of years older than me but you’re used to that right? I’ve seen you date men 10 years older than you and underage minors… it’s not an issue.
- It’s an easy breakup. Just send me a thumbs-down emoji and we are good. No hard feelings. We can go sour separate ways. You can go back to being a famous national pop star, and I can go back to always being slightly tired.
- You can say whatever you want about me. Shit on me as much as you want… obviously just with words though… unless? Go on Jimmy Fallon and tell the whole world that I hate babies or I haven’t been to the dentist in 2 years. Really make me look like the worst guy ever.
- Write a song about me. Make a whole album about me I don’t care. I’ll even help you write the songs. I’ll bust out my shitty keyboard, open up FL studio, and we can lay down a bridge about how my anxiety made you occasionally nervous so you had to get away. Every one of your boyfriends gets 10x more popular immediately after the break up which I could really use right now.
In conclusion, I think we would be a great match. I get to become famous for a couple of months and you get another song. Win-win.