TFM
Everyone knows you need a beer die/pong table and some people will say that a “Saturdays are for the Boys” flag is a necessity (though I would say that you should be somewhat embarrassed if you own one of those unironically), but today I’m going to tell you about the stuff you should have at college that no one talks about.
Two-Ply Toilet Paper
College is supposed to be the best four years of your life. How can you pretend like you’re living in the best possible way if you’re not spoiling your asshole a wee bit. One of the first things I did in my first semester of freshman year was have my mother send me the highest quality toilet paper Amazon had in stock, and I had people requesting to buy the cushy rolls off of me. Treat your buttholes right when you get to school, and save the sandpaper for when you’re at home.
Hot Dog Toaster
I had one of these this year, and until it broke from me using it 2-3 times a day, my diet was about 84% glizzy (pause). The hot dog is one of my favorite foods, and having a little machine that I just popped two in and boom they were cooked made eating food real easy. I’ll most definitely be getting another one this year. Hopefully it lasts longer than half a semester, though.
A Venmo Account
Believe it or not, there are people out there without a Venmo. Don’t be one of those people. No one likes the guy that asks for change when he chips in for his share of the beer you bought for the weekend. Venmo is the standard payment method of college, so make sure that you’re prepared before you get to school.
An Oculus VR
The Oculus is a great thing to have when you’re at school. Games like Beat Saber and Superhot are guaranteed to waste time in spectacular ways, but the real reason to get one? VR porn. Do you want to be the guy going with the old-fashioned Private Browsing mode or do you want to be the guy who can jerk off in other worlds? The decision is pretty simple if you ask me.
A Second Set of Bedding
This is a just in case thing (I’ve never needed it #quickflex), but one that you’ll undoubtedly be happy you have if the situation arises. I’d say a good sixty percent of college students will have a night where their beds are casualties of the regurgitation of warm Naturdays, and having a second set of bedding can save you massive amounts of time in the laundry room trying to wash the dried puke out of a comforter.
Several iPhone Chargers
Your charger will, without fail, break or get lost at least twice in the course of a year at college, so go prepared with back-ups. Borrowing chargers throughout the day so that you can continue to Snapchat the girl that is only talking to you because she knows she can get a free drunk meal out of you is not a great way to live life.
Crack
Guaranteed to make you a topic of conversation all around campus. Kids will think you’re really cool and always ask you, “Hey, are you the guy that does crack? Can I try some?” To which you can be the crazy awesome dude that says, “Sorry, man, my crack is just for me.”
