Larry Locks
As sports betting continues to gain popularity around America, and slowly takes all 50 states by storm, the stereotypes of your favorite sports bettors becomes more and more distinct. Everyone that goes to a college that has as little as a girls basketball team has at least one friend group of fucking degenerates rooting for some chick to nail a shot while the team is down 25 just so their “Saturdays are for the over” parlay to hit. As an agent, and student at a main hub of sports betting: Syracuse university, i’ve had the honor of meeting the rich the richer and the worst: fucking Yankee fans. Today I will be taking you down the hall of fame of stereotypical sports bettors, and we’ll see if you know a couple. Be advised: if you have never sports bet before A LOT OF THIS WILL SOUND LIKE FUCKING MANDERIN. This may not be your fancy.
- Shy Guy
This is just betting stereotype fundamentals right here. The bounce pass and Timmy Duncan bank. The kid who goes down 35 beans and shuts it down on a tuesday. He has NEVER heard the phrase beat the bookie. This guy wakes up in cold sweats from a deep nightmare about going down 50 on a saturday and throwing his whole 100 credit balance on a woman’s tennis match blacked out with the boys. GOD FORBID he has a little fun. But to the conservative type’s credit, they usually have nasty picks, just no stones to actually throw bills.
- Daddy’s money
This is your buddy that gets you into betting. Because no normal kid, in their right mind, is gambling 100$ a game in highschool or freshman year of college with their money they made working 9$ an hour, sitting in a fucking life guard chair or delivering for Mr. Zhong’s palace all summer. But you see your buddy so invested in a russian table tennis match that you would think his college was playing for a spot in the FBS playoff that you think “well this looks like a fun way to watch sports.” What your buddy failed to tell you was that when he lost his 100/250 bet on Fan Zhendong, he just venmo’s his bookie 1 of the 5 hundos his dad had sent him throughout the week.
- Mr Lay
This guy has literally never heard of taking a team straight up. A real glass half full type of dude. This is the type of kid that started betting and hit a parlay in his first week and now just thinks he’s a fucking god. Sunday football, March Madness and UFC are this guy’s wet dream for the lay possibilities, but after telling all his boys about his 15/500 BOMB of a parlay, he almost always loses the first leg. This kid kid is also OBSESSED with hedging. Half because he has no real confidence and the other half because he really just likes using betting vocabulary that some people may not know. “LET’S GO! Now that the Rams hit all I need is the Giants, Redskins and Dolphins! Easy money baby”
- “I got you next week bro”
This one will hit home for all my bookies and agents out there. The name is pretty self explanatory, and EVERY agent who has his friends on the sheet has heard this many times. The classic, “yeah my parents stopped funding my sports betting bro.” So they knew they were fueling my bar fund for half a semester and continued to fill your account?! This kid was #2: Daddy’s Money, until he withdrew 300 a week for 2 months from just venmo and pop’s cut him off. Get a job bud.
- Johnny Locks
If you’re in a fraternity you know ole Johnny Locks. “Bro ride its a fucking lock dude! I’m on a heater.” Meanwhile this kid is 10 for 50 the last fucking month and the only reason he hasn’t lost more is because his girlfriend DMed Brad the bookie in ATO and told him to take her degenerate boyfriend off the book completely. John Locks literally only thinks he’s good at gambling because he does it a lot. This is the CLASSIC beat the bookie guy.
- The Research Guy
Now look. There really are two types of research guys. Those who actually do research, and those who will tell you how much research they’ve done but really only read Marty Mush say “The Yankees are the best baseball team of all time” and lock it in. I’m not saying you can’t do your research through twitter. There are a lot of insane stats that pertain to betting that you can’t find anywhere else out there on the feed, but don’t just lock something in because a dude who can’t even read told you he’d throw the mortgage on his own team. And definitely not if you’re gonna tell people its a good pick and that you “did your research.”
- The Fanboy
EVERYONE who first gets into betting, me included bets on their favorite teams exclusively. For a Mets, Islanders, Giants, Knicks fan like myself, I like to compare this to spending 25$ on McDonalds UberEats after a long night of boozing. 1) everyone does it. 2) it hurts like a Mike Tyson body shot… why don’t I throw some cash down the drain while I’m at it.
