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7 Things Guys Can Do Better Than Girls

Pee Standing Up

Ever seen a girl try to pee standing up? Me neither. And yet, every time I walk into a men’s room, I see ten, sometimes fifteen dudes at a time all standing up and pissing. Am I saying that girls can’t stand up and maneuver themselves in a way to use a urinal? Of course not. I’ve seen Step Brothers. I’m just pointing out that it’s a definitive fact that guys are better at peeing standing up.

Hand Jobs

Fact: from the age of about twelve, guys begin experimenting in the art of the HJ. It’s on ourselves, of course, but we’re talking three, four, five years of experience in strokin’ the old meat popsicle before a girl really gets into a regular practice. That’s why no dude ever actually wants to get a handjob. A guy will never turn one down, but make no mistake, if you’re a girl cranking someone’s dong, he’s sitting there with the full knowledge that he could service himself better.

Be a Priest

I’ve been not going to Church for as long as I can remember, but every time I break that habit and wind up sitting in a pew for an hour, desperately trying to distract myself from the boredom of a Church service, the person up at the front telling me about how he definitely doesn’t diddle little kids right and wrong is always a dude. Every single time. It’s gotten to the point that I’m starting to wonder if female priests even exist.

Walk Alone Late at Night

Whenever I want to leave a party or a bar and it’s really late and dark out, I just leave. It doesn’t matter if I’m with five guys or by myself. Ever seen a woman do that? Nope. They always go with friends, take Ubers, or have a guy walk them home because they have to worry about being “kidnapped” or “murdered.” Not to mention they carry pepper spray in case of emergencies where they actually do have to walk home alone? Couldn’t be me.

Mansplain

Mansplaining is one of my favorite activities. In fact, I’d consider it real passion of mine. I think most guys feel the same way. There’s nothing better than sitting a girl down and giving a detailed explanation of a movie, concept, or idea that doesn’t need that explanation. But you know what doesn’t even exist: womansplaining. So, point to the fellas on that one.

Wear a Condom Properly

Any girls reading? If so, grab a condom and put it on. Oh, wait, with what penis are you going to do that? Exactly. We men have penises, so we are way better at wearing condoms.

Get Drafted to the U.S. Military

You know who the group of people is that has to register for selective service? Men, ages 18-25. Sure, we haven’t had a draft in America for years, but if we ever did, men would be way better at getting drafted than women because women aren’t even allowed to get picked. Let’s chalk that up as another major dub for the boys. Hell yeah.

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Written by VinegarStrokes

Above average intelligence, below average weiner.

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