When I left for college, everybody and their mother were trying to give me advice. 90% of it was atrocious. Why the fuck would I give a shit about my grandfather’s studying tips when he went to Dayton during the roaring ’20s?! Oh, you don’t want me getting too drunk, Mom?! That’s exactly what I was thinking about when I was ripping warm Cucumber Burnetts and experimenting with drugs my second Tuesday on campus. But I’m going to be real and vulnerable with you guys for a second: there is definitely some shit you need to be prepared for whether you go to school 2,000 miles away or 20 miles away. I had one person in my life whose advice I took into consideration because his opinion meant something to me, and I’m hoping I can bestow that same thing on all you youngins.
Cocaine is Everywhere: I had seen blow a couple of times before college, but I had no idea how prevalent it was until I moved into my dorm. Unbeknownst to me, it actually snows A LOT in the Carolinas, Texas, Florida, Arizona, and Louisiana. Whether or not I’ve indulged in this practice is for me to know and you to assume, but I must stress to you guys how important it is that you are not the guy/girl who’s spending $60 EVERY fucking weekend. I’m not telling you to hit the slopes by any means; if you want to give it a go, that’s at your discretion. But the guy who always has blow on him becomes known as that guy. Like when Ryan Howard almost burns down Dunder Mifflin and becomes the fire guy, you don’t want every hot girl who has a friend in town tapping you on the shoulder at pre-games to ingest your parents 401k(presumably) up THEIR nose. As I get older, I tend to see this drug as incredibly overrated. I can tell you the most fun time you will have on it is getting fucked with your friends before going out to bars(of course not from personal experience…never). Try and think of coke like you think of stuffing. Stuffing is phenomenal on thanksgiving or once in a while, but do you really want to be eating stuffing three times a week? For sure not.
Know UberEats is a Dangerous Game: These past two years, I’ve come into college with a little over two grand from working during the summer, and I’ve blown through that sum far too fast. Is it the three lemon drops I’ll buy a girl who I want to fuck and her friends? Sure, sometimes. But the real monster here is UberEats. Drunk UberEats is a fucking epidemic. In San Francisco, some metrosexual entrepreneur has robbed me of my dignity by charging me thirty-six dollars and tax for a basic box of Chicken Express one too many times. UberEats is the devil on your shoulder. UberEats is the ex-girlfriend who you used to have great sex with. It’s such a bad idea, and it knows you’re an impulsive moron, and it won’t spare you. I hate that app with such a fiery passion, yet I redownload it almost every Thursday night. My recommendation here is GoPuff(free ad go puff if you want to Venmo me it’s Bobby-DAngelo-4). GoPuff is an app where you can pretty much order anything you would find at 7/11 for a reasonable price and a $4.99 fee. And guess what, they also deliver 4Loko. Instead of drunk ordering an eighteen count of wings and blue cheese that’ll go bad by tomorrow morning, eat some fucking Pringles and deal with the crumbs in your bed; you’ll have to wash period blood-stained sheets anyway.
Don’t Be Afraid To Lean On Old Friends: There will always be a dynamic between you and your high school friends about who is having the better college experience. I remember my best friend from high school calling me all freshman year talking about how much he hated college, and I felt no sympathy for him and truthfully wasn’t the best friend I could be. I would always thought of him as beneath me because he was also at a big southern school and couldn’t make friends. Then, he transferred to our state school and had more fun than I ever had my first two years of college. He’s in a great place, and when I started struggling, he was about as good a friend as he could’ve been. The point being, don’t be afraid to lean on people from your past for help. The people you have known for a semester will never know you like the kids you played little league with, no matter how much hot sauce you guys chugged in a shed while trying to memorize the Greek alphabet. When I was at my lowest dealing with severe depression and anxiety, I don’t even know if I’d be alive right now without the occasional twenty-minute phone call with the guys that are in contention to be the best man at my wedding.
Learn to Cook: I’ve always articulated that there is a rampant problem with the average college student’s eating schedule. “Frat Boy Eating Disorder” is 100% a real thing. For me, it was not eating until 4 PM so that I could afford a new puff bar. For others, maybe it’s just ripping pen and completing letting eating slip your mind. Learning how to cook was one of the best decisions I ever made because it made my grandma more inclined to send me money, and it improved my overall health. Averaging five hours of sleep a night and drinking four times a week is already a burden; give your body something at least. My biggest recommendation is to listen to whatever reading you have assigned on some audio platform while cooking. The act of cooking becomes mindless/routine, and you get your shit done.
Don’t Do Long Distance Relationships As An Underclassman: I did it as an underclassman, surprise surprise, it didn’t work out. Want to know why? Because it never fucking does.
Go Against the Grain: I would say half the people in my life told me that blogging was a poor decision. In a rat race full of business majors and real estate minors from my Fraternity, writing jokes about my dick on the internet was not quid pro quo. If in your gut you think you can do something outside the box and you have the talent, fucking do it. You google my name, and I’m fucked for any cubicle job in existence. I took a risk doing this shit, but I do it because I wake up every day loving what I do. And after months of blogging on free websites, getting only sixty reads per blog at the start, I like where I’m at a year and a half later. I got rejected from websites a quarter of the size of TFM before landing this job. I’ve severed ties with some people in my personal life through the process; basically, I’ve been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage. Don’t be afraid of doing something outside of what other people want from you. The most successful people in life have failed worse than my dick at 4 AM. But just like my dick…the great ones got up in the morning and cuddled their way into some morning sex…or you know, a position at a hedge fund or something…bad analogy I guess.
Know Your Functionality: There is a disparity between functionality and limits. Fuck your limitations, you’re going to blackout a hundred times before you graduate college. By functionality, I mean knowing what you can afford to do to function. The three 4Lokos I had on a Wednesday before my 9 AM midterm freshman year are solely responsible for my C in Microeconomics(a class I took to boost my GPA after getting an A in high school). I know kids that can go to class after ripping three chops, mokes, whatever the fuck your region calls them. 4.0 students in the flesh who had that level of functionality. I’ve also seen many a man fall victim to continuous pen rips and Warzone. By the end of your first semester, you should know where you fall and plan your schedule according, or get pulled from school by your WASPY ass Dad.
Never Be A Student Orientation Leader: I assume none of my readers would never, but just in case, I don’t want anyone who reads me ever to lead student orientation groups. If I ever catch one of you motherfuckers acting all giddy as you play ice breakers and talk about the danger of booze, I’m putting the laptop down and quitting.