TSM
Picture this it’s your freshmen year and its syllabus week at your state school that you early decision to, because it was on a wicked I’m Schmaked video. You’ve just gotten your first fake ID from Idaho, that the ID guy said is good because who the fuck lives in Idaho, and you’re ready to test your luck with the 5th year bouncer at the local dive bar. You’ve gotten in because the bouncer says your Vineyard Vines shirt with the whale wearing a football helmet is a solid fit, and now comes the most important part of the evening choosing the right beer. So far you’ve only had some lukewarm Coors light that your uncle gifted you once he found out you lost your virginity, but so many options, so many taps, what do you chose? Here is the professional guide to what beer you should get at your local college dive bar and the ramifications that come with it.
Option one, play it safe and get the Coors
It’s kind of tasted like what one would think anybody’s sweat in the Midwest would taste like, but it still hits the spot. The crisp taste of high fructose corn syrup and an after taste that says, hey maybe I should buy that used 2009 pickup truck I saw on craigslist make it a strong contender. It’s a simple beer for simple folk, yet somehow too expensive for any fraternity on your campus. It’ll be at most $3.00 and that means you can afford around 5 before your dad texts you in the morning saying you don’t know the value of money. Eventually drinking Coors Light will lead to wearing only flannel shirts, eating Slim Jims, and packing your lip at every pregame before you graduate your Digital Marketing degree in 6 years with a 2.5 GPA.
Option two go for the King of Beers: Budweiser
You cannot go wrong with a Budweiser, the red of the can matches your sick $55 Vineyard Vines tee and would make for a great underage drinking post on your Instagram. Drinking a Budweiser radiates (BDE) Big Dick Energy, and it shows that you go for quality not quantity. It tastes like something Athena wove out of the tears of Zeus, and the buzz that comes after your fifth, is one that will not be rewarded by a hangover that makes you throw up corn flakes at the dining hall commons the next morning before your 8 AM lecture. The confidence that comes from buying Budweisers for you and your fraternity big is one that says hey I might be 5’10” and weigh 135lbs, but I’m here to get some play. It’s the beer fit for kings and it can only compare to the smoothness of the first rip of a mango Juul pod watching a sunset over Kokomo.
Option three go to the bathroom with a cup and scoop up the nearest puddle of urine and send it for the boys
I mean purchase a Keystone sorry, people often confuse those, and for good reason. Keystones are acceptable in two scenarios, one you’re at a tailgate and have no other option, or two your taste buds were burned off by a freak incident your junior year in high school when you were dared to swallow a lit Newport to impress Ludvig the Swedish exchange student. A Keystone can be bought at an overpriced tag of a full dollar at most dive bars, and you get what you pay for. Drinking this beer is to show that you have zero alcoholic preference or that your monthly college allowance is $16. Keystone should never be your go to, but everyone has pounded their fair share at their preferred bottom tier frat on campus. Eventually a habit of drinking them becomes a habit of never owning a shirt with sleeves again and thinking a buzz cut looks good since Thad Castle from Blue Mountain State could rock it.
Option four, its Miller time baby
If you frequently buy Miller Lights you have at one point in your life had a mullet and you’ve had unprotected sex with over fifteen freshmen before you had your first collegiate report card. Drinking Miller is encouraged by any and all Trailer Park residents, anyone who owns a Jeff Gordon hat, or anyone looking at rifle rounds on a Wednesday afternoon at a Bass Pro Shop. The price makes it appealing and it’s a strong contender for a beer induced blackout, which makes it a good choice for your awkward corner standing session at the local dive bar listening to Mo Bamba play on repeat.
Option five: Corona
Corona advertises that you’ll find your beach, but it typically just helps you find an argument with the bartender over why they’re charging $6 for a beer. While it is a delicious option to go with it also yells my dad payed for the lacrosse team uniforms, so don’t touch me or I’ll sue. It gets a bad rep because someone decided to name a fucking pandemic after it, but damn is it nice with a lime. It’ll look good on your snapchat story and it’ll spark conversation with every alumni in the bar trying to relive his college years, and hitting on girls looking for a yacht party to go on. Corona is a top tier beer, but some people think it’s a dish best served with $2 moonshine grade strength tequila, so beware the combo and the 4 AM yack session that follows.
Option six who could forget Busch Light
Arguably the most American thing after the monster truck and the Wendy’s Baconator. Busch is the go to for anyone that is related to or planning to be related to a fireman. You don’t buy it to enjoy it, you buy it to pound it like the true American you are, it is rumored the first pitcher of Busch Light was just Chuck Norris urine test. It more often than not results in a red, white, and blue erection as soon as you get your first compliment from the local frat groupie. You will find yourself listening to Billy Joel more than ever, and you’ll think jean shorts are a good look on you even though you always skip leg day, but you’ll feel like a patriot. It tastes like any puddle found in the National Mall in DC, but if you love your country, you’ll down it like the essential worker you’re bound to be.
Option seven Michelob Ultra
A go to for Thanksgiving and every senior citizen golf tournament. It is a beer for people who wear polos religiously and find high top sneakers offensive. It is for the white collar person who sent their daughter to an Ivy League because they donated a new intermural field to the university. It is a nice beer, but it is ruined by the guy drinking it who only smokes fat cigars and wants to bring up his Arnold Schwarzenegger impression every half hour. The Michelob drinker assumes aux duty and he will only play Soundcloud mixes that include Wolf of Wallstreet quotes. Just don’t be a Michelob guy unless you’re seeking hydration from the most water filled thing since the Hoover Dam.
Option eight Bud Light
DILLY DILLY. An American treasure is unveiled every time the blue can is opened, even though it is most likely being keyed in for a shotgun by your local Chad. Bud Light, much like Budweiser is worth the extra dollar every time and it’s a safe bet. Bud Light is for the chill guy looking for a pleasant night, that intends to avoid rowdiness. It is safe and comforting, and it is in the hand of the guy who knows every beer pong rule in the book. Bud Light says hey I don’t want to risk tonight, and your girlfriend said no more than three beers, because last time you blacked you pissed in her roommate’s hamper. You can’t go wrong with it, but know your limit, it’s a sneaky one and it’ll have you ordering a $5 Chalupa Cravings box at Taco Bell which will have you repainting your toilet by dawn.
Lastly option nine, who could forget Pabst Blue Ribbon
Or better known as hipster elixir or PBR. It is the beer for someone who thinks suspenders are adequate tailgate apparel and that has taken three gap semesters because their Art History major is just too much to handle. The PBR drinker can name you all the vegan options in the university dining hall, and they don’t watch sports because its not as enticing as a good musical. PBR taste wise is a good choice, and for a good price it is not a bad option, but it will lead to a job application at hot topic and owning a hookah in the days to follow. It is no ones first choice unless they have a blog on their favorite cappuccinos in the area, and they are considering adopting a cat and naming it Stan Lee.
So many choices and so many hangovers to endure this is the big nine beers list, I would’ve named it the BIG 10, but after getting their season cancelled I wouldn’t want to trigger any Ohio State or Michigan fans. Your collegiate drinking journey is just only beginning so be brave, drink like a champ, and wrap your willy always. Choose your beer wisely and remember its not just a golden pint of goodness, it’s also a lifestyle. Pick your Thursday ladies night bender brew understanding the consequences that come with it, and there’s no right answer just don’t be a Michelob Ultra guy.
