Starbucks: Fuck the people in Starbucks. Both the workers and the customers. All I want is a coffee but I am standing behind 800 people who have fucking dictionary length of an order that is JUST FUCKING COFFEE. And the workers don’t give a shit. I don’t want to use your Latin descriptions of what is just black liquid. “Small black coffee” should be a universally understood form of language. Best part about Starbucks: walking out of Starbucks. Worst part about Starbucks: everything else. 1/10
Subway: Do you want to eat plastic that looks like meat?… Come to Subway! 2/10
Taco Bell: I have never had a good experience eating Taco Bell. Every taco crumbles after one bite, making me have to use my gross (usually drunk) fingers to scoop up enough meat, cheese, and whatever stupid sour cream jizz sauce into my mouth for a terrible eating experience. Speaking of jizz sauce, they just DESTROY every burrito and taco with either this sour cream nightmare or that cheese sauce that could be used as glue. They also do such a bad job mixing up the ingredients in the food. I will have 3 bites in a row of solely sour cream and lettuce which makes me want to puke. Best part about Taco Bell: that dog mascot they used to have. Worst part about Taco Bell: the maintenance. 3/10
Burger King: Fuck you. Burger King is the RC cola of Mcdonalds. 4/10… fight me.
Mcdonald’s: From my siblings and I screaming at my parents when we were kids to pull into the drive-through, to eating a big mac alone in Atlantic city because my formal date ditched me, Mcdonald’s has always been there. They are what you picture when you think about fast food. It’s just casual fast food for the everyday man. Worst part about Mcdonald’s: that middle bun in a big mac. That thing starts falling out quicker than a baby’s tongue when it sees food. Best part about McDonald’s: fries. Even though they are saltier than my roommate after I told him I don’t have 8ams, they are the greatest thing that should never be ordered in a small size. 5/10
Dominos: Pizza on steroids. It hits hard but you gotta deal with the consequences. Dominos is only appealing because it is fast pizza. I don’t have time to wait 30 minutes for some nameless faceless professional to make my pizza without my supervision. I wanna know who’s making my pizza, what step he’s on, and his social security number. This is the perfect after-party-in-a-dorm-and-lazy meal. You order your pizza, drunkenly stumble into your room, take off your clothes, queue up a show on Netflix you’ve already seen, and BAM pizza at your door! Best part about Dominos: the pizza stalking. The worst part about Dominos: you never ordered enough. 6/10
KFC: I love a good throwback to how humans used to eat. Straight out of a fucking bucket all mushed together and doused in gravy… fucking awesome. I know what I’m getting into when I go to KFC and I am completely okay with it. Everything tastes exactly the way I was expecting and, more importantly, can be drowned in gravy. Best part about KFC: the honesty. Worst part about KFC: the subtle racism. 7/10
Chick-Fil-A: Despite their public controversies on certain touchy subjects, their spicy chicken sandwich is the best. It is good quality chicken that I, a known chicken hater, loves to eat. I am also a sucker for waffle fries. Worst part about Chick-Fil-A: their political stance. Best part about Chick-Fil-A: they are a simple sandwich. Not a bunch of bullshit toppings and sauces to drown their main chicken attraction. 8/10
Chipotle: Post cross country practices and my first ever “real” date is what chipotle has done for me. I always get steak because I’m eating out, why the fuck would I get chicken? Who would get a chicken burrito at Chipotle? Everybody? You’re saying everyone gets chicken at Chipotle? Well, fuck everyone. I have 5 siblings. I’ve had my fair share of chicken, I want to get a taste of the good life. That’s right… Getting steak instead of chicken at Chipotle is what I consider “the good life”. Worst part about Chipotle: sometimes my wrist gets tired holding the burrito but I don’t want to put it down because then the entirety of the wrap might break. Best part about Chipotle: The way my high school tennis coach used to pronounce it… “chimpololo” 9/10
You might be thinking: “there’s 9 places but he ranked them out of 10… what is 10?”
Best part: everything.
Worst part: everything.