98% of Serial Killers Owned A Pet Snake

Police Line - Do Not Cross NYPD fence in the streets of New York City, USA

There is no way that statistic is true but here we go. Lately, I’ve been seeing all my boys getting pets. And let me tell you, I wanna get ahead of the curve and say “Don’t be a weirdo, get a normal pet.” There is no reason on gods green earth to be a dude with a snake as a pet. Like, seriously, stop trying to convince me that’s a normal pet to have? Snakes eat mice, and those are pets that other people have. (Yeah, I know it’s kinda weird, but still.) So, I put together a list of pets that are totally normal and acceptable, and ones that are so weird, you shouldn’t even be tellin’ people you got ’em.

Normal Pets:

Dog: I mean, come on, man. Is this even a debate? Man’s best friend is hands down the number one pick in every pet draft. Don’t overthink it.

Cats: As a cat guy, I can tell you they’re way easier to take care of than dogs. You just leave a bowl out and they eat when they want. No walks, no pressure to show affection.

Fish: I feel like owning a fish is the most normal thing of all time. I would honestly put a fish closer to being something like a painting or a plant. People just look at it and say “cool fish”.

Acceptable Pets:

Bird: It’s kinda weird to have a pet that’s related to a McChicken, but it’s still acceptable. No one really thinks twice about it. Bonus points if your bird can curse like a sailor.

Any Type of Rat (Guinea Pig, Mouse, Hamster): Before you, science nerds come at me, I don’t give a damn if they’re not the same “species.” They’re all the same to me. Having a pet Guinea Pig is cool, but what the hell do you do with it? Other than watching it roll around in that little ball, it doesn’t really do much. Still, I’ll allow it.

Lizard: I was on the fence about this one, but I’ll let it slide. I think those Geico commercials brainwashed me into thinking they’re cool. Bonus points if they change colors.

Turtle: They’re pretty chill to see when you’re golfing and there’s a pond full of them, but why the hell would you have one as a pet? I just don’t get it.

You’re a Future Serial Killer:

Snake: Bro, you’re a sicko if you have a pet snake. If you’ve ever read the Bible, you know they’re the original villains. Don’t even think about posting about having a pet snake, ’cause you’ll get an automatic block.

Spiders: Your family straight-up hates you.

Written by TFM Stelly

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