We’re not even ten days into 2021 and some people are already throwing in the towel. I don’t have an omniscient crystal ball, but if I had to guess why the new year wasn’t necessarily met with a bouquet of flowers, it’s probably because the coronavirus pandemic shitstorm that 2020 brought us really hasn’t left us yet. Also, our nation’s capitol building was recently stormed by far-right rioters. And… our reality-TV-star turned President of the United States was permanently removed from Twitter for inciting domestic terrorism.
Jesus Christ, someone is going to have a FIELD DAY turning those last couple sentences into subsections for future history textbooks.
On that future textbook note, I feel like Kim Jung Un faking his own death will be one of those true/false pop quiz questions that most people will bomb, as they might honestly forget it even took place. It’s crazy to believe how fucking insignificant this event was compared to the rest of the diarrhea parfait 2020 served us.
But yeah, we’re not off to a hot start in 2021. Now in hindsight, it was pretty foolish to think that a simple change in the calendars was all that was necessary for life to get better. I mean that’s like taking a sweaty shit on someone’s front porch and then covering it up with a doormat that says “WELCOME.”
Yeah I bet you’re stoked about your new doormat, but there’s still some human kaka smooshed underneath.
2021 began the way it did because there are, unfortunately, a high volume of shitty people chillin in America. While our dipshit president and his four years worth of antics certainly gaslighted the inherent and ongoing plague of racism and bigotry within society, I noticed you can do WAY less than being outright racist to still qualify for being a shitty person.
Thus, I have decided to chalk out a few things I’ve seen recently that a lot of people really need to remove from their lives. They may appear to be small, but left unchecked, these sinful actions can blossom into a lifestyle of assholery, snowballing at high speeds down a hill of cockbaggery, until you find yourself permanently banned from Twitter. Consider this list to be a New Year’s resolutions guide that anyone, and I truly mean anyone can participate in to help society shed its fat of shitty personnel.
Saying “Swipe right for a Surprise” on an Instagram post:
It’s actually incredible how pathetic some people are. Let me walk you through this dominion of death. Someone’s got three or four good looking pictures of themselves, but then on the last picture, there’s something different.
Oh what is it, I wonder? Wait, swipe right for… a surprise? Oh, I love surprises!
Gosh darnit, you sure fooled me! I should have known it was just a silly photo you took that spawned maybe 0.2% of an emotional response out of me.
So here’s why you suck: you not only folded like a lawn chair and followed a numbing and thoughtless trend created by middle school girls, you also revealed that you are an egoistic pig. You’re so god damn full of yourself and so far down the shithole of letting social media control your feelings, that the number of photos you ‘look good in’ had to overwhelm the humorous nature of the post.
I mean why even bother at that point. If you’re trying to look good, look good and fucking do it with some chest. Shit. Don’t try to bait me with a fraudulent attempt to be funny, all so that the post can act as some excuse to share something cute. If that’s the case just post something cute. But if you’re telling me to swipe right for a surprise, there better be a fucking dick in a box on the last slide. Or something of that caliber at least.
And since when is being funny unattractive? You can 100— excuse me, 1 Million percent post something good-looking all while sticking a funny caption to it. Or how about maybe every so often we just stop giving a shit about how we look on instagram because it’s really not that important in the grand scheme of things. I mean shit, what are you gonna do? Marry someone for their looks on instagram? That wedding would be lit, just a room full of cockrags and frauds.
But god damn, swipe right for a surprise? How about I go take a shit on your doorstep and light it on fire, and then I go shave your cat.
Texting someone saying, “I’ll pay you to do my homework.”
There’s more arrogance and cockbaggery to this one than meets the eye. This is the type of question someone asks without trying to be an asshole, as they themselves see the financial compensation fit for the work someone else completes. However, in their attempts to get their work finished and create wealth for someone else, these people actually unintentionally turn into pieces of shit.
Here’s how that works.
For starters, no one is passionate about doing homework. Sure, there may be some gratifying satisfaction that comes with finishing a task or getting good grades, but no one is truly passionate about doing homework. In fact, one of the best feelings in the world might actually come after you complete your homework, as you now have free time to do whatever you want.
But now someone is asking you to do more homework?
But don’t worry, they will pay you. The universe is balanced now, right?
At some point, the value of some college kid’s beer money isn’t worth more than your free time, let alone doing more heinous homework. I mean shit, if someone wanted to get paid for doing MORE homework, they would just sign up to be a damn tutor.
Meet Trevor and Dave. They are in the same class, but Trevor isn’t as motivated about school as Dave.
Let’s say Trevor texts Dave, “Hey Dave, what’s goin on man. Hey listen, I know we don’t really talk all that much but I was hoping you could do the homework for me. I’ll pay you!”
In the security of his own thoughts, Dave would then say, “Oh shore thing, Trevor, first let me just grab a cheese grater and I’ll go rub that on my ballsack for 15 minutes. Thanks in advance for the Abe Lincoln, asshole. I wonder how many packs of gum I can buy!”
There’s a large and dark underbelly that comes with asking someone to do your homework for pay. You not only give less than a shark’s dick about their free time, but you also feel that your money is more important than it as well. Let’s be real, if you’re paying someone to do your homework, you’re not doing it because you’re proactive and you will use the new time slot you just bought to work on other tasks.
You’re doing it because you’re a lazy fuck.
You’re probably gonna go smoke, maybe crush a few Netflix shows, and then just chill in your bed. There’s nothing wrong with doing all that either, just leave Dave out of it. Even if you’re a philanthropic guru and you pay the guy a whopping $20, I’m sure that the $20 you’re paying Dave is just gonna be spent on coffee for all the sleep you’re taking away from him, while you sleep like a baby.
In all honesty, the worst part about it is that you guys aren’t really friends. If you’re asking to pay someone to do your homework, you’re just an employer, and the poor guy on the other side is the employee. There’s no friendship there. You’re not going out for drinks with Dave. Hell, you’re probably getting drinks while Dave is locked away in his room, working on your term paper, you asshole.
Do your fucking homework. If you need help and an acquaintance can’t help you for free, don’t ask if you can pay them. Don’t even waste their time. Ask one of your shitbreath friends to do it or just hire a goddamn tutor. Don’t be a piece of shit and ask poor Dave.
Stop disrespecting Stephen Curry:
I mean Jesus Christ, this has to stop. You’re a piece of shit and you’re not mentally fit to walk among us in society if you would even consider to belittle Stephen Curry’s game. The guy literally CHANGED the way the game of basketball is played. Yes, basketball was played one way, Steph Curry arrived and wreaked fucking havoc, and now it’s played differently.
So long, centers.
Unless you are literally 6’10’’, if you can’t shoot, your NBA career will be over pretty quick and you will just be a really tall businessman, all thanks to Curry. He is easily the best shooter of all time. He’s also about to carry the Warriors to the playoffs and win himself another MVP. You heard it here not first because other people can recognize this as well, as not everyone is a piece of shit.
Lift the goddamn seat up:
Fellas it’s not that hard.
I mean, it’s really so simple. Even if you’ve traveled for a couple hours and you’re about to release a piss pressure equivalent to a firehose, and chip the porcelain right off the toilet bowl, you still have time to lift the seat up. This isn’t Seaworld, don’t leave us a splash zone. What, are you gonna make some chick wipe the seat down before she takes a leak?
Even if you were just a self-righteous prick with not one drop of chivalry in your entire body, think about your future self in a very realistic scene down the road. I mean, if you gotta take a shit and some fuckhole just pissed all over the seat, you might be in some serious trouble and a little ‘pressed for time.’ You can’t just put the plastic paper on a seat covered in urine, it’s gonna seep right through and soak your cheeks.
Yuck. What a mess.
You gotta take the time out of a potentially peaceful and rewarding shit and wipe down a piss-covered-seat, but in the process of wasting all this time, you might just be out of time, and you shit all over your shorts.
Lift up the seat and don’t be a piece of shit.
Wear a fucking mask:
I just want a summer. A real summer. I don’t know what stance you’re taking by not wearing one or kind of wearing it.
It’s really not uncomfortable, doctors and dentists have been doing it for years. If you’re worried that it gives you bad breath, maybe hit up Dave and buy a gum pack off of him. He’s got plenty of gum since you paid him $5 to do your calculus homework.
But holy fuck, the easiest way to end this nightmare is to wear a mask if you leave the house. Believe me, I want nothing more than to go bar hopping before I delete a bucket of garlic fries and watch my San Francisco Giants play, in-person, at the most beautiful ballpark in baseball.
Wear a mask. I mean, Jesus christ, it’s not that fucking hard.
In short, you don’t have to storm the capitol to be a shitty person. In fact, you can do a variety of things not listed above to qualify for being a shitty person. This year, let’s try our absolute hardest to not be pieces of shit.
I promise you, if you set the bar low, the possibilities for greatness and human achievement are very very high. If you don’t believe me, just ask Dave Portnoy how he’s doing. The guy started off reviewing NYC pizza parlors and now he’s using his platform to launch a multimillion dollar fundraiser for small business across the nation. I say the guy is doing pretty fucking good.
Set the bar low and don’t be a piece of shit. With that being said, if I hear any more Stephen Curry slander, I’m gonna start eating glass and writing people’s names down.