A Bear Is Roaming Around Rutgers Don’t Worry The School Has Some Great Advice

The first thing that comes to my mind whenever I hear about a bear is the scene from Without A Paddle.

Remember, you don’t need to be faster than the bear; you just need to be faster than your friends. You would think the $28,000 a semester to attend Rutgers would be enough to deal with a bear. Nope fuck that. Instead, follow these rules to avoid a bear.

  • Never feed or approach a bear.
  • Remain calm if you encounter a bear. Do not run from it.
  • Make the bear aware of your presence by speaking in an assertive voice, singing, clapping your hands, or making other noises.
  • Avoid direct eye contact, which may be perceived by a bear as a challenge. Never run from a bear. Instead, slowly back away.

What the school is really saying is it’s summer. I know we weren’t really at the college for the last year, but we are enjoying our summers now. Fuck the bear; make sure to clap your hands and not look the bear in the eyes.

College kids should be pro with all of these rules are the same with that one chick who won’t leave you alone. But, they think getting those 3 am U Up? Texts mean that you actually want to hang out with them. This is dealing with your RA to the extreme, instead of getting yelled at that you’re too loud or that they can smell weed. You might get clawed or bitten by a bear. Just like you did when you were high as shit or super drunk, if you don’t look in somebody’s eyes, you’ll be good to go.

If there are no drunk pictures sent into TFM of idiots hanging with the bear, I’ll be disappointed with the students at Rutgers.

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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