Dear Bud Light: We have to break up.
This isn’t an easy letter to write. It seems like just yesterday I was grabbing warm cans of you from a thirty rack my buddy’s older brother charged us $45 for. Hell of a deal, honestly. Through my high school and college days, you were always there for me no matter the circumstance. I’ll forever appreciate that, but I think it’s time for us to part ways. I’d be lying if I said I saw this coming, but I truly think that this is for the best.
It seems like you’ve changed recently – like I don’t even know you anymore. I remember the days when you were there with me and my boys as we sat around and made racially insensitive and homophobic jokes, but these days, it’s a whole different vibe. I can’t even be slightly sexist anymore without feeling judged by your sleek, blue aluminum alloy skin. And you used to be the one fueling my political incorrectness.
Other people have noticed, too. Last weekend at the bar, I ordered you just to see if we could still make it work, but four different guys called me the f-slur when they saw what I was holding. I know that a lot of this stuff is happening because your parents slapped a rainbow on you or something, but I can’t put myself in harm’s way just to be with you. It isn’t your fault, and I know that. I know you still taste the same. I know when I drink fifteen of you, I’ll feel just like I did in college. That’s just not enough, now, though. I have a reputation to think about.
For a while, I thought maybe we could still at least be friends – like maybe on a chill night alone I could drive over to the woke side of town, grab a six pack, and just rehash old times with you – but I think a clean break is the best thing. It’s the best thing for both of us. You have a new image to uphold, and I know all those people with pronouns in their Instagram bios will love you. They might be able to love you even more than I did. I hope so.
I really hope that you can see that I’m doing this because I have to, not because I want to. You in particular know that I was never a big fan of Coors, but with everything going on in life these days, I’ve got to think about the safe options. The smart ones. I’m sorry. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. It’s time for us to break up, Bud Light.
All my love,
