A Comprehensive NFL Offseason Recap

The NFL is back. Roger Goodell is preparing to fine players for perfectly safe blocks, group chats are sending parlays, and Patrick Mahomes is ready to dominate fifty-three grown men. The first football game of the year symbolizes many things, but none are more important than the end of the NFL offseason. The worst annual sports drought officially ends today, so here’s everything you missed since the Super Bowl. 

Post Super Bowl Sadness

Apparently, the Chiefs had a Super Bowl parade. I’m not sure though, because I’m an Eagles fan. I deleted Twitter, missed a week of classes, and only left my bed to eat meals and go to the bathroom. It was a tough start to the offseason for Philadelphia fans. The rest of the world rubbed salt in the wounds, but no one could hurt us as much as Johnathon Gannon, or ourselves.

Free Agency

You’ve likely already seen all of the players who’s new teams affect your fantasy football decisions. These names include David Montgomery (Lions), DeAndre Hopkins (Titans), Odell Beckham Jr. (Ravens), Brandin Cooks (Cowboys), Derek Carr (Saints) and the psychedelic eating signal caller on the Jets. In addition to this, there were many other big moves that will affect the landscape of the league. 

• Javon Hargrave left the Eagles and took a bag from the 49ers. They want to be us so bad. 
• Not free agency, but Jalen Ramsey was traded to the Dolphins, and Darren Waller was traded to the Giants. Surprisingly, Waller is not the one who is already hurt.
• The Chiefs signed a tackle that only Madden hardos and football nerds have heard of (Jawaan Taylor). He will inevitably be All-Pro this year. 
• The Cowboys signed Stephon Gilmore, who is apparently still playing football. In all seriousness, this could delay their inevitable collapse a whole week, into the second round of the playoffs. 
• The Bengals paid big money for Orlando Brown to protect Joe Burrow’s blindside. Orlando Brown is the only part of that sentence that doesn’t apply to last offseason.
• The Cardinals got no one. They are so screwed.

NFL Draft

The coverage of this was pretty extensive, so I’ll hit the highlights in 75 words or less. 

• Start of the draft: QB, QB, Not QB, QB. All are the next Joe Montana.
• Texans made picks two and three. They are still bad. 
• A running back went eighth?! Yes, and his name is Bijan.
• Jalen Carter crashes car, drafted by Eagles. (Woo-hoo!)
• Dan Campbell like gritty white guys from Iowa.
• The mayo guy fell to round two.
• Penn State had a lineman named Juice.
• Mr. Irrelevant will not start the NFC Championship Game.

Seventy-five exactly. Boom. Also, the Cardinals still did nothing.

Quarterback Contracts

Being a quarterback pays so well, it’s not even funny. Jalen Hurts now makes 51 million dollars a year. Lamar makes 52, and Justin Herbert got 52.5. I wish Peyton Manning was my father, at least genetically.

Hold Outs

I don’t think have ever been more holdout storylines in one offseason than this one. Most running backs with a pro-bowler threatened to hold out or asked for a trade. Other positions have also seen the rising value of quarterback contracts, and asked for a little bit of the same treatment. Here are the essential holdouts from this offseason:

• Josh Jacobs held out into the regular season, and refused to play on his franchise tag. He ended up signing a slightly more valuable deal at the beginning of preseason. Saquon also did this, but resolved his issues before camp started.
• Zach Martin held out from the Cowboys for a new contract. Although Jerry Jones pointed out that he was meaningless because he could get hurt tomorrow, he paid him anyway. He got a raise and is back with the team.
• Chris Jones is also holding out. He gave the Chiefs a specific number he is looking for, (3 years, 85 million dollars) and says he’s not playing until week eight if they don’t meet it.
• Chandler Jones is away from the Raiders, and has been posting some of their negotiation tactics on social media. This relationship might be entirely over.
• Nick Bosa ended a hold out yesterday, after the 49ers signed him to the most expensive contract for a defensive player in the history of the sport.

Hard Knocks

Hard Knocks came and went. It was awful. About as entertaining as listening to a toddler explain their love for Paw Patrol. Somehow I feel like this wouldn’t have happened if the app was still called, “HBO Max.”