A Definitive Ranking of NFC East Quarterbacks

I think it’s safe to say that the NFC East is the most disliked division in football. No one likes the Cowboys. Eagles fans are white trash scum of the Earth. Washington is racist. And the Giants are basically just the Jets wearing blue. So, why would anyone want to watch? Well, something happened this season. No one is really quite sure how, but somehow the NFC East isn’t eating ass this year. Weird? Yes. Surprising? Extremely. Fun? Kinda, actually. 

You see, from a talent perspective, the NFC East is still lacking (except for maybe the Eagles), yet somehow the teams keep on winning games. Philly is undefeated, America’s (most hated) Team is 4-1 with a backup quarterback, the G-Men are 4-1 with Daniel Jones, and the Manders, well, they’ve also played 5 games this year. The point is, while the NFC East is definitely the most surprising division in football, it’s also technically the best. We all know that success in the NFL starts with the man under center so, because they’ve earned it, here is a definitive ranking of NFC East quarterbacks.

5. Carson Wentz

*in @jamesdroz566 voice* Carson Wentz, what happened?

I’m gonna be completely honest with everyone. Before the season started, I placed a lot of money on the Commanders to make the playoffs. I genuinely believed between Wentz, Scary Terry, IronKnee Robinson, and a decent defense that Washington would manage to win at least 7 games. I mean Wentz actually looked good last season on the Colts. If it weren’t for a freak loss to the Jaguars in week 18 last year, Wentz would have made the playoffs. I don’t know what happened in between then and now, but Wentz seems to have forgotten how to throw a football. He has the third most interceptions in the league and a passer rating lower than a one-armed 9 year-old’s bowling score (without bumpers). Just today Ron Rivera was asked why he thought the other teams in the division were farther ahead, his answer was “quarterback” followed by a long dramatic pause. Imagine sucking so bad that your own coach puts 100% of the team’s failures on you. Plus, he doesn’t even have the decency to say your actual name. Talk about getting thrown under the bus.

4. Dak Prescott

I’m not here to say whether Dak is good or bad at football because I honestly don’t even remember. The last time Dak played a full game without getting injured the Queen was alive, Kanye wasn’t anti-semetic, and Zeke was disliked more than Deshaun Watson.

3. Cooper Rush

Is Cooper Rush good at football? No. Is he good enough? You betcha. Cooper Rush doesn’t do anything exciting on the field. In fact, he may be one of the most boring quarterbacks to play in the NFL since Peyton Manning in 2016. Cooper Rush doesn’t end up in the middle of this list for the things he does, but instead for the things he doesn’t do. Cooper Rush isn’t gonna throw for 300 yards in a game. He won’t use his legs to turn a sack into a first down. And he isn’t gonna lead a two minute drill down the field ending in a game winning touchdown. But you know what else he won’t do? Throw interceptions. Rush hasn’t thrown a pick all season. Dak threw one in his only game. Something else Dak does that Rush doesn’t: lose.

2. Daniel Jones

Remember when that photo of Daniel Jones looking exactly like Eli Manning came out and everyone immediately thought he would be another unathletic, mediocre-at-best quarterback who struggles to win games? Well, we were only a little bit right. Jones has proven himself as a capable runner and while we all may be scratching our heads wondering how, he’s been able to get the job done. Do I think he’s the real deal? No chance. Jones ranks 28th in passing yards, 28th in yards per attempt, and 29th in touchdowns. So, while he does seem to close out games, Jones is playing more like Danny Checkdown than Danny Dimes. 

1. Jalen Hurts

Let me start by saying this: I’m biased. However, I’m biased in two very different, almost contradicting ways. Let me explain. My first bias is that the Eagles suck and all Philly sports should cease to exist solely due to the idiocracy and annoyingness of the fans. In other words, Philedelphians are mouth-breathers who should be exiled completely from civilization. My next bias is that running quarterbacks are automatically elite and immediately better than pocket-passers. Thus, evaluating Jalen Hurts is a struggle for me. I do truly believe that Hurts is a good quarterback with a strong future in the league. Above all, he’s an athlete. He has a great build, solid arm, and the ability to run through a defender or avoid him using his elusiveness. That said, he’s on the Eagles so there’s gotta be something wrong with him. Maybe he has a learning disability or kissed his cousin when he was younger. I don’t know exactly, but there’s gotta be some dirt on this guy.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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