Alex Becker
It’s 1:48 A.M. The party is technically still going but the only people left are two freshmen making out so hard they haven’t realized the room has emptied. Meanwhile, you and your boys who went a combined 0/41 tonight are alone upstairs passing around a bong that looks like it could give you an STD just from ripping it.
As you and your buddies are all slumped on the couch watching Lil’ Wayne music videos from 2011, there is a grumble loud enough to catch everybody’s attention. It’s someone’s stomach, but no one is exactly sure who’s. Regardless, it’s enough for someone to suggest food, which piques interest throughout the room.
“Where would we even go? It’s two in the morning,” says the responsible one who likes to come up with all the ideas and shoot down everyone else’s. Then the fat one, who isn’t really fat but definitely has some meat on his bones and knows his way around a cut of beef, chimes in with a “psshh, Dons obviously.”
“I could smack some Dons,” says the guy that’s so crossed he’s been locked into his phone watching Instagram reels of people’s all-time NBA top 5s for the past half hour. There is a wave of agreement throughout the room. Dons it is. You and your two friends look at Mr. Negative who was skeptical of the plan at first to see if he’s coming. He rolls his eyes as he pretends not to be excited by the prospect of a late night Big Mac, shrugs and says “I guess I’ll come.” He implies that he isn’t eating, but doesn’t explicitly say it so that he can always change his mind later on. Strategic move, indeed.
After securing both a car and a pledge to drive said car, you’re on your way. You’ve “borrowed” your friend’s car since he is busy sleeping over at his girlfriend’s apartment and while it is a 2004 Honda Accord that smells like a mix of mint vape juice and B.O, it still gets you there and back. The ride starts a little bumpy since the stupid pledge has never driven stick-shift before, but after a briefly yelling at him to figure it out, he gets the hang of it.
You arrive at the beautiful golden arches as the car erupts of drunken idiots hollering over hamburgers that are approximately 89% real beef. However, the excitement quickly dies down as the group notices a massive line at the drive-thru. Anger and frustration begins to fill the car. The responsible one who was hoping this plan would blow up the entire time suggests you just give up and go home. The tubby one immediately protests to stay, while your other friend snores fast asleep in the backseat. Obviously the pledge doesn’t get a vote, so it’s all up to you. Turning back would give the secret conspirer too much pleasure and quite frankly you could demolish some nugs right now, so you too vote to stay.
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, you make it to the board. You wake the sleeper up and he is not happy. Though he looks like he wants to slit your throat, he quickly realizes where they are as a huge grin fills his face. Despite being in line for the past 25 minutes, you all study the sign as if you have no idea what McDonald’s serves. You ask your thick-boned pal what the best thing on the menu is, which subtly insults him, but also he does have a very specific order that seems fully memorized. The pledge rolls down the window and immediately everyone in the car starts screaming their orders simultaneously. You, being the level-headed mind that you are, realize the commotion taking place and decide to order for everyone.
“What do you guys want?” Your question is misinterpreted by the group as they begin to yell even louder. You get them to shut the fuck up before rattling off their orders. The sleeper gets a standard 10-piece McNugget meal, classic. Having proved him wrong, the guy that never wanted to be here gets a quarter-pounder with only cheese and ketchup, a 4-count nug, and fries. Quite a big order for such a Negative Nancy. Your friend that probably knows the entire staff by name goes just as hard as everyone expected. He orders two McDoubles, two McChickens, 10-nuggets, fries, and an apple pie. When you all stare at him like a white woman in Harlem, he blurts out “I’m so high, I’m starving,” in an attempt to excuse his disgusting eating habits. You yourself order a simple cheeseburger and a large fry before telling the intercom man “that’s all.”
As he reads your total that seems both extremely expensive for fast food, yet also crazy cheap for the amount you got, you look over at the pledge that drove. You’re drunk and feeling nice so you tell him he can get something for himself. He thanks you sincerely and orders a few nuggets before driving up.
While letting the pledge eat is most definitely a good deed, there was some strategy to it. You make the pledge put his card down and drop an ominous “request us.” Of course if he ever sends you a venmo request you’ll complete it, but being so vague that it makes requesting for this meal a hassle, you lower your chances of needing to pay by about 20%.
The woman hands the food over to the driver as the delicious smell of grease, fake meat, and high cholesterol spreads through the car. Right as the woman is closing the sliding door, you yell and call for her attention as loud as you can. She turns and you ask in your nicest voice possible, “could you please give us as much ranch, honey mustard, and bbq sauce as you’re physically allowed?” She seems annoyed, but also fills a new separate brown bag with just sauces. This woman is your lord and savior.
Driving home is quiet. Everyone is too excited to get back, smoke once more for maximum hunger, and devour their slightly cold Dons. As ring leader and passenger seat holder, you have the bag on your lap, meaning you can eat a little bit of everyone’s fries without them knowing. Another smart strategic trick you have.
After a long journey, you arrive home. The five of you sprint upstairs as fast as possible. As the group munches and stuffs their faces full of giblets and trans fats, you see Sleepy fall back into his slumber. Those four nuggets he’s left behind are now up for grabs, and you snatch them. Even the king of McDicks couldn’t manage to finish his monstrosity of an order, leaving you with a free McChicken. This was your third, final, and best trick of the night. Don’t overorder because odds are extra food will always be up for grabs. You just got so much food for such a cheap price and there is still a possibility you never get charged.
As everyone finishes up their meals that are sure to come back up in the morning time, it’s time for bed. There is one more goodnight smoke session before you call it quits and head to your own rooms. You lie, ready to enter dreamland, only for your stomach to rumble. Only this rumble isn’t a sign to get food, it’s a sign that you’re in for a long night.
