A Letter to Your Fraternity House Mom

Dear House Mother, 

Thank you once again for a wonderful past year in the fraternity house. Your presence is always appreciated and our brotherhood truly wouldn’t know what to do without you as a guiding hand. However, there are some things that some of the brothers would like to see improvement on as we approach the upcoming fall semester. I hope you can find these critiques constructive rather than insulting – as all we truly want is for our house to be the best possible place for us to live. 

To begin, you’ve got to do something about Snappy. I consider myself to be a dog person – but Snappy is even too much for me. I’m honestly amazed that the thing hasn’t died yet. It’s got to be like seventeen years old now, right? I’m sure Snappy was beloved by everyone in the house years ago when he was just a puppy, but that’s not quite the case anymore. Not only does it shed all over the place, but it also smells like rancid garbage (that might be sugarcoating it, in all honesty). I know it’s hard to say goodbye to a lifelong friend like Snappy. However, I’d rather you put him down in a calm and peaceful manner rather than have a blacked-out brother come home one night and launch it off the balcony. That might seem outlandish, but trust me when I say the idea has been tossed around many times. 

Moving on, our pledge master New Member Educator wanted to remind you that we hold our weekly lineups educational meetings in the basement simply because there isn’t enough room anywhere else in the house. There is no other reason why we hold the prospective new members down there other than practicality. Additionally, if you hear any yelling or loud counting throughout the night, pay no mind to it. We take our fraternity’s no-hazing policy very seriously and would never do anything to harm the prospective new members. Don’t be a narc and report us to the IFC before conferring with us first like you did last year. The kid didn’t even end up in the hospital for that long. 

Our final request as a brotherhood is that you put in a request to change our house chef. I’ve got nothing against Chef Johnny – he really is a great guy – but his food is subpar at best. I’m getting pretty tired of having to ask the prospective new members to swipe me into the dining hall in order to receive some sort of nutrition each day. If it’s a matter of expense, we’re all willing to increase our dues to help pay for a chef that will actually produce consistently edible meals. Once we move into the house in August, I pray that no one will have to eat another green bean casserole. Because if we do, Snappy will be hurled from the fratio (frat patio) further than what was previously thought to be humanly possible. That’s not a threat – it’s a promise. 

We hope that these critiques are something that can help you grow as a house mom, ultimately making our fraternity that much better. If some of our requests seem to be a little aggressive, we can always workshop some ideas once we get back to campus in the fall. Except Snappy. We’re putting our foot down with that one.

Sincerely,

The Brothers of Ligma Chi