the godfather
Dear Mrs. [insert last name here],
After years of gazing upon your beauty, I’ve finally mustered up the courage to profess my deep love and admiration for you. When I first laid my eyes on you, I was just a small prepubescent twelve-year-old boy who had barely even begun to masturbate. But, during my three years as your student, you molded me into a man (more accurately – an incredibly horny fourteen-year-old). “Casual Fridays” were anything but casual for me when you would stroll into our classroom wearing those Lululemon leggings that were anything but appropriate for a group of sixth graders. To this day, I still don’t quite understand PEMDAS due to your completely entrancing figure.
Many teachers who are deemed attractive by students probably don’t even realize how truly hot they are, but something tells me that you knew you were the talk of the town. Your somewhat revealing outfits more than likely angered the other teachers because they were “unprofessional”, but we both know they were just jealous. Countless times I thought about requesting a one-one-one “tutoring session”, but I never had the confidence to pull the trigger. I regret not being more bold during my time in middle school. In spite of the fact that you were happily married with three children, I sensed the tension between us. I mean, I really was irresistible with my braces and knee-high Nike Elite socks. You always attended my seventh grade basketball games – and although you were working the scoreboard – I know you were actually there just to watch me do my thing.
Word on the street (my mother and her friends) is that your marriage has been a little rocky as of late. I knew it wasn’t my place to discuss my infatuation while you had a stable relationship with your husband, but I can’t pass up on this opportunity. Sure, I might be a broke college student that is less than half of your age, but I think you know I’m much more than that. The way that I worked through my struggles with the distributive property in eighth grade will be the same way that I work through any struggles we might face together down the road. I promise not to overstep my boundaries with your kids – especially since they are practically my age – but I’ll also be the greatest stepdad you could ever imagine.
Take some time to consider my offer – there truly is no rush. I will wait as long as I need to for the woman of my dreams. You were always so much more than just my smoking-hot middle school teacher; you were (and still are) the love of my life.
With love,
Your favorite middle school student
