I hope this letter finds you well. Since you’ve been away at college, I’ve taken some time to reflect on our long and storied relationship. When our parents first started dating, I was just a young boy, only truly caring about beating Pokémon Black on my Nintendo DS. But, when my dad introduced me to you, my whole entire world changed. I never had a sister before that moment – and I wasn’t so sure how I felt about all of it. Sure, I was happy for my dad that he had bagged your MILF of a mother, but having to coexist with a sibling of the opposite gender wasn’t immediately appealing to me.
Being a couple of years younger than you, I entered my hormonal puberty phase just as you were entering your prime as a young woman. One day, I’m completely grossed out by the thought of the female touch, and the next, I’m offering to do your laundry so I can examine your collection of bras from Victoria’s Secret. Was I a little creepy? Probably. But, how can you blame me? All those times you walked around the house wearing “clothes” that had less coverage than an Eli Apple-led secondary, I could never tell if you were trying to attract me or my father (I’m still convinced it was me). Regardless, my hormones are now under control, and I promise you won’t have to worry about getting stuck in the washing machine again.
Even though you basically have ignored my existence since we first met each other, you’d be surprised by how influential you have been in my development as a young man. I – like many other thirteen-year-olds – enjoyed watching quite a lot of Abella Danger films in middle school. But, if it wasn’t for you acting as the greatest tease of all time, I would’ve grown up thinking that the deep catalog of Abella movies was accurate to real life. For instance, rather than offering sexual favors in order to gain control over what we watched on the TV, you would just beat the sh*t out of me and take the remote.
Now that you’re back home for the summer – and far away from that tool bag of a boyfriend – I’d love to spend some more time getting to know you. My favorite activities are going to the beach or pool, tanning outside on our deck, and really anything else that will involve you wearing a bathing suit. I also happen to be fantastic at applying suntan lotion in those hard-to-reach areas (at least all my girlfriends say so). No pressure, but I think we could have a lot of fun together this summer if you just give me a chance. If not, no worries, I’ll just ask your mom.