A Message to All of Our Butthurt Readers

Here’s a few words to anybody who reads blogs on this site and gets offended by them: just don’t read them. For the rational people currently reading this, I know, you would think that it would be a pretty fucking simple thing to do, but you would be surprised. I’ve only been writing for TFM for a couple months, but I’ve already had a few people pop into my DMs and comment on posts talking about what a horrible human being I am. That really doesn’t bother me because knowing that I offended someone in such a way that they felt the need to go out of their way to tell me how absolutely rattled I made them brings me a lot of joy. Being able to really get under people’s skin is a skill I’ve been honing for the past twenty years, and I like to think I’ve gotten pretty good at it. I’d imagine most of the people writing for TFM feel the exact same way. 

This isn’t anything against anyone who doesn’t like what we put out, just the people who feel the need to get their panties in a wad – wait, that might be a sexism, so let me rephrase – people who don’t have a fucking sense of humor. There’s this funny thing about writing that I guess a lot of people are unfamiliar with, and it’s called audience. The target audience for us is not people with 234 Instagram followers and their pronouns in their bio – not that there’s anything wrong with that, but let’s be real here, those are the people that feel as if me writing a blog trashing four women and only TWO men makes me a misogynist. So, for those of you who really don’t enjoy the comedic gold that comes from us on the daily, just fuck right off and stop reading. 

Believe it or not, knowing whether or not you’re someone who isn’t supposed to enjoy something is actually really easy to do. For example, I do not watch gay porn. Nothing against gay people at all, but that is simply something that I do not want to watch because as a straight man, I know that I will not enjoy watching two dudes going at it. If that isn’t a good enough example of things that I know I’m not the target audience for, here are a five more:

  1. Any movie Amy Schumer is in
  2. Any sport without a ball or physical violence
  3. Instagram trends that require me to add to my story and tag three friends
  4. The calls I get about my car’s extended warranty
  5. Articles on why I should become a vegan

There are six things right there that I either won’t enjoy or aren’t meant for me, and guess what? I don’t go out of my way to experience them and then get angry when I hate them. Instead, I just avoid them at all costs and crack open a nice Busch Light while watching the Phillies game. Do you want to know what that does for me? It makes me happy. So, if you’re one of the people who feels the need to take in content that isn’t meant for you then get upset when that content doesn’t reflect whatever morals you hold dear to your heart, I suggest you find something that makes you feel good. I don’t know what that would be, since you clearly hate all things fun, but maybe spread some gluten free mayo on a saltine and watch a documentary on the history of the paper clip – I’m imagining that’s what you guys do to get your daily dose of dopamine, right? If you do want to keep making yourself angry, though, by all means be my guest. I thoroughly enjoy receiving hate messages and comments, so please make my day and tell me what a sexist, perverted, crimson-chin looking guy I am because I fucking love it.

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Written by TFM

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