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A Message To All The Waiters Who Think They Are Special

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten through a “shitty work story” without a waiter chiming in and making it about them. Fuck waiters and waitresses. We get it. It sucks. You don’t have to keep one-upping everyone else’s stories to make yourself feel better. Nobody cares that you make most of your money from tips. We are done giving you those pity points. Did you not know that’s how being a waiter works? You must’ve known that going into the job, so you have no excuse to complain about it. Just like I knew that the position at best buy I was applying for had 5 am shifts. I hated it, but I knew about it and kept my mouth shut because… money.

Let’s start with the good. The best praise I can give waiters, as in a part of the job I know I would never be able to do, is memorizing the menu. I can deal with shitty people and move objects a couple of yards, but memorizing a menu sounds hard. Especially if it’s one of those fancy restaurants where half the shit on the menu is in French, there’s an entire menu dedicated to wine, you have to give a recommendation, and you don’t get a notebook to write it in. Those waiters deserve a fucking purple heart for the sacrifices they are making for this great country. But regular-ass waiters like a diner waiter? That shits easy. You get a notebook, there’s no food that requires knowledge of a different language to order, and it’s all simple food. All you have to do is smile, keep refilling the waters and you’re golden. It’s not hard. You deserve to work for tips. For me specifically, all I really want out of a waiter is that refill water thing. I don’t care how disheveled or defeated you look. I don’t care if the only words out of your mouth are the ones required for waiting. I can look past all that shit, but at the end of the day, the major dependent on my enjoyment at a restaurant is that constant flow of shitty tap water in my unclean glass.

Now the shit I hate about waiters. I seriously hate waiters who think that their experience was the worst thing to happen since the holocaust. Just to be clear, I have never been a waiter. And I challenge any and all waiters/waitresses to come at me with their best response to this blog, you low-wage-hourly-food-strippers-working-for-the-tip-fuckers. Fuck you. You did and do not have it bad. It pisses me off to be interrupted by these food-carrying non-cookers just to be lectured about a time where someone asked for more napkins. I’m not saying you haven’t had bad experiences because we’ve all had bad jobs and had to deal with shitty people. What I’m saying is you are not special and your stories are the same dog shit I’ve been hearing for 63 years. I’m 63. 

Let’s talk about what the actual job entails. Yea talking to people sucks but it’s what you signed up for so fucking deal with it. You honestly expected to work as a waiter and get 100% Bob Ross niceness out of everyone? You know people suck right? Especially when they are hungry. You are basically in contact with the worst types of humans 100% of the time and you have the nerve to be SURPRISED that there are dicks? How dare you. How dare you have that level of ignorance. That would be like if I went camping with a bag of meat, got my arm eaten by a bear, and proceeded to share that story as if I didn’t know that was going to happen, getting pity points at every social gathering for the rest of my life. I would like to think that I have always been nice to my waiters and I can hear your response right now. “Yea but you are probably the guy at restaurants that… “

Also, why are waiters the ones getting tipped? All you did was carry food from one place to another. Waiters are given so much credit at restaurants as if they own it and make the food. So many times I’ve been at a restaurant and had people at the table say “man this food was great. We should leave a big tip for the waiter”. What the fuck? That bitch had as little to do with the food as you and I did and yet we are praising them as if they were back in the kitchen magically crafting that wonderful steak. All they do is move objects. Would it make sense to tip delivery men? Because it’s the same job. They are told what they need to move, they have no say in how it’s made or what it looks like, and then they move it to your fucking house. If we are tipping waiters we should also be tipping them because it’s the exact same job.

Every single waiter needs to shut the fuck up about how hard it is. We get it. You couldn’t find another job so your stuck. Boohoo. Do you think we all haven’t worked shitty jobs and have stories to tell? Let me finish my “waking up at 3 am for a shift story” before you bombard the entire room with your “this guy hit on me, and they were hot, so it sucked” bullshit.

Also, I am strictly talking about waiters that complain about being waiters, not actual waiters I encounter. I would never say this shit to them. Their job sucks.

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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