A Typical Night as a College Town Bouncer

As a bouncer at a popular bar, no single night is completely the same but they all seem to be pretty damn similar. The night starts out with me grabbing my earpiece and setting up my radio, I’ll then shoot the shit with my coworkers until people start rolling in. The first wave typically consists of freshmen who will show up around 9 pm. Around 11pm, they have been boozing for a solid couple hours and start feeling themselves. At which point a freshman Zeta who just pounded her first gas station 4loko before coming in, will start stumbling around the bar drunk making out with random dudes, trying to get some of them to take her home.

At this point she’s making such a scene it’s time to kick her out and send her on her way. She’ll then proceed to hit me with enough racial slurs and profanities on her way to the door that it would make Charlie Sheen himself blush. This is usually followed up by either a loser theta chi or chi phi who has been simping over her and wants to be her white knight to drunkenly stagger over to me, get in my face, and accuse me of “being too rough” or being on a “power trip.” He’ll then try to put his hands on me at which point ill put him in a headlock and toss him out of the bar like a ragdoll in front of the very girls he was trying to impress.

At this point it’s around midnight, this is the time the bar is flooded with university students and townies alike who see themselves as Ice Cube did in the movie Straight Outta Compton. One of these idiot townies will no doubt at some point do something disrespectful and bizarre like throwing a drink at the DJ/Band at which point I will ask them to leave. He will inevitably refuse and start flashing fake gang signs at me and try to fight me at which point he’ll be pounced on by myself and about 6 other bouncers.

This leads us to around 1 am and some bored girl will walk up to me and try to flirt with me at which point I’ll politely inform her I have a girlfriend, she will take this as some sort of personal insult as if how dare I refuse her advances? She’ll call me an asshole as she walks away and I’ll just chuckle. This leads us to last call, this is a truly majestic time in the night as college-age males will give their final pitch to the beautiful girl they have been talking to all night. They will fail in this endeavor and move to try to drunkenly harpoon a whale, some will succeed in their hunting expedition while others will not. It’s closing time now as we shepherd the remaining patrons out of the bar and back to their dorms and another night is in the books.

Written by GI Josh

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