A Typical Night During Freshman Welcome Week

It’s 6:21 pm and the only thing you’ve eaten all day is a granola bar and a lukewarm cup of microwavable Kraft mac and cheese. You and your roommate are absolutely starving, but your meal plan doesn’t start till tomorrow morning, so you throw yet another mac-cup into the janky microwave that may or may not be slowly killing you from radiation poisoning. Your room isn’t too small, but if any extra body enters the room, the cheap air conditioning will crap out and you’ll be stuck lying in a lake of your own ass-sweat later tonight when you try to fall asleep. So, you decide to walk around campus. 

By the time you get to the end of your hall, your group has grown by seven people (whose names you already forgot), and someone decides to flash their handy-dandy fake ID. Now, either this guy is a hardcore alcoholic and doesn’t care that just about every liquor store knows that today was freshman move-in, or he’s so desperate for friends that he’ll take one for the team and lose his fake four hours in, all for a case of Natty Light. As you make your way down to the nearest convenience store with your new “brothas for life”, you get distracted by another mob of sweaty freshmen, all fighting over the same group of five girls who are completely sober but act like they’re seven Fireball shooters deep. As you introduce yourself to what feels like a hundred randoms who you’ll probably never see again, you realize it’s already 10:07 pm and that mac-cup wasn’t as satiating as you believed it to be. 

Somehow, you and your boys escape the grasp of “Mo Bamba” blasting from a speaker that looks like it was ripped out of a suped-up car and find your way back to the original convenience store you were heading to earlier. You head straight to the snack aisle as your friends browse the booze selection, grabbing whatever chips and candy that hopefully won’t give you the shits later (god forbid the toilet in your room from 1961 gets clogged). As you go to check out at the front, another freshman dying for liquor gets his fake taken in front of you and your friends. At this point, the buddy behind you makes some half-baked remark about “grabbing some plates for the dorm”, runs back to put the beer away, and scurries out of the store empty-handed. By the time you all finish checking out, it’s pushing 12:00 am and the four-plus miles you just walked around campus in a pair of slip-on Vans have you completely exhausted. You all decide to head back to the dorm, and although you’ve only known these guys for five hours, it seems like you all are gonna get along pretty well over the next four years. But honestly, all you can really focus on is the fact you get to eat real food tomorrow morning (well, at least you hope it’s real).

Written by the godfather

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