in

ACAB?

In the last five years or so, both political parties have done this little song and dance where they take a large organization that consists of many great people and evaluate that ENTIRE organization by the disgusting actions of a small minority. The far left does it with cops, the far right does it with Muslims, and reasonable people roll their eyes. Not all Muslims blow up buildings, and not all fraternity men drug girls. That’s just not how the world actually works. Somewhere right now there’s a cop who’s on his second cup of coffee of the day who is going to be greeted at a routine disturbance call by a bunch of NYU (insert pronoun I honestly don’t even fucking know anymore)s pulling out their cell-phones and screaming “PIG” as he tries to tell a homeless guy to put his dick away. With all that said, if we are going to blindly generalize people without remorse for how they might feel, we are doing it to the wrong crowds. Here are some real groups that need to be shamed.

People Still Mask Shaming (APSMSAB): I said this back in March, and I’ll repeat it: if you are still trying to shame people for not wearing a mask in bars and for hanging out with their friends, YOU are the asshole. It’s over. Insert Vince Carter gif. I’m not saying I’m judging anyone who still chooses to wear a mask; in fact, one of my coworkers told me the other day that he is going to continue to wear one at family events, so he doesn’t have to pretend to laugh at his uncle’s shitty jokes. But…we are back. The numbers are in, the weather is getting warmer, and more people are getting vaccinated every day. College kids have killed themselves, people have OD’d, and so many unfortunate souls have lost the small businesses they’ve worked so hard to keep afloat…let them have a fucking beer without wearing a blue piece of glorified toliet paper that will end up in our oceans. If you’re still shaming people for throwing events…you’re just jealous because the only friends you have are a small community of Twitter users that share the same beliefs you do. 

Red-Faced Men in Florida Keys Tee-Shirts (ARFMFKTSAB): For the love of god. Every single time I see a guy saying some racist shit in a video that goes viral, it’s the same fucking guy. He’s obviously had too much to drink, it’s 4 PM, and he’s wearing a touristy Key-West tee-shirt and sandals. As a white guy, the amount of complaining I have to hear because he can’t get his shit together is far too much. Every time I try to argue that white guys aren’t so bad, he sets my argument back ten years. I like my sweaty white guys with red faces coaching college football, not screaming the N-word at a Jacksonville Exxon. 

DMV Employees (ADMVAB):  Nobody leaves the DMV happy. Nobody leaves the DMV thinking good thing my tax money goes here. The DMV is as frustrating as having sex wearing a condom. The other day I drove two hours to the nearest DMV that had open appointments (because the governor of New Jersey is a fucking jackass) waited in line for another two hours, just for some fat-lady with a Delco accent to tell me that I needed to have a bank statement. That was fair enough to me, I asked if I could get one I had in my car parked right outside, and she told me to promptly fuck off. I wanted to chop her up into pieces and make sushi out of her organs. Nine times out of ten, I would rather pay a speeding ticket than spend an entire Thursday at the DMV.

Blacked-Out Poli-Sci Majors (ABOPSMAB): You know what I don’t give a fuck about when I’m taking a piss in a crowded bar bathroom? Your opinion on what’s happening in Syria. A coked-out poli-sci major needs a fucking mute button. I don’t care if I even politically agree with what they’re trying to say. When I’ve been working all week, the last thing I want is to engage in political discussion. I’d love to ask for balls back playing beer pong one time without being asked about my opinion on Biden’s dog biting White House staff. I respect people that try to stay politically active to a point. Don’t bring politics into my Thursday nights out. 

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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