Browns: Once accusations start looking like Kobe numbers from 2006, your QB isn’t playing football this year. The Browns can stay in the hunt if their quarterback is only suspended for four games, but I have a feeling that the number of yards that have to separate Deshaun Watson from an Elementary School will be higher than his passing totals for this upcoming season. Jacoby Brissett can get this team to eight or nine wins; however, if there are some injuries on their offensive line, this season could be worse for Browns than Guantanamo Bay was during the Bush administration. Amari Cooper is a nice pickup, they have some stars on that O-line (shoutout Wyatt Teller), the two-headed monster in the backfield is the best in the league, and experts are saying that David Njoku is going to have a monster season. The last time I checked, the Browns over/under line is still off the board, which is bullshit- I’d pencil them in for eight wins.
**UPDATE: Deshaun Watson only suspended for six games. News comes right after I wrote this. Fuck me**
Steelers: Pittsburgh Steelers experts are more irrational than the worst boss you’ve ever had. I believe in Kenny Pickett so fucking hard. I met him two and a half months ago, right after he got drafted at a local bar by his hometown. Any guy that still goes to their local bar when they have pedophile island money is a franchise quarterback. With that being said, this is not an eleven-win team, you psychopaths. Myles Jack and James Daniels are sweet pickups, but I don’t see this team playing football around the time of year that my mental illness gets actually concerning. They have a solid duo on their offensive line, and they have some guys on there; it’s still going to be bad. If you put truffle sauce on dogshit, it’s better…but it’s dogshit. I hope to see Kenny Pickett play well sometime this year for a forgettable seven-win team.
Ravens: The Ravens have the coach, the offseason, and the health to be a Super Bowl contender this year. Much like Johnny Sins, Baltimore filled a lot of holes. Losing Hollywood Brown is tough, but this team is all about horsepower, and they have JK Dobbins and Gus Edwards back. As much as your Uncle, who may or may not have been at Jan. 6th, hates Lamar Jackson, and as much as people on Twitter defend him, let’s make something very clear: Lamar needs to throw the ball better this year. Less picks behind a better offensive line and a higher pass rating and completion percentage are all possible, and I’m betting on him to improve with his arm. This is either going to be an eleven win team, or I’m going to look like a jackass.
Bengals: Last year, the Bengals had a combination of good fortune and talent that led to one of the coolest Super Bowl runs I’ve seen in my lifetime. They have GUYS on both sides of the ball. Even more important, if their offensive line was acne, they started taking Accutane this offseason because that shit’s cleared up with three nice additions on their front. Are they a Super Bowl team again? Probably not this year. Are they a playoff team? Absolutely. They have a great defense, and Joe Burrow is going to improve on what’s already been a great first few seasons. Their over under is at 9 ½ wins; I like them for ten.